Megoland

Tonight's rant
So, today has been a little bit better than the last couple of days, but not by much. I think some of the problem is that I've been so freakin' stressed. Today I realized that I'm not happy living back at home and it made me really sad. It's funny because I'm actually happy living back with my family. The only reason I'm unhappy is because I feel really claustrophobic. I also feel like all my freedom and space is gone now. I keep remembering how I used to spend my time and I keep realizing all the things that I can't do anymore. I need to find a roommate, but Idon't want to afford living on my own right now. I HATED feeling like I HAD to work. This has been the first semester where I really feel like I can experience life without overwhelming myself with obligations. Also, I like how it feels to have extra money. I know I need to find a way to make this work but,vI miss all of my space and freedom. Now, when I have free time I can't just go upstairs and watch a movie, I only have my room to do everything in. It sucks. Also, meals are very difficult because my hours are so different and I have none of my own things. I think things could be okay if I had the space to spread out, but I don't. It's stressful living there even if it's only because none of my stuff will ever be organized the way I want it to be. There's just not enough room and no one will help me. I still have so much stuff to do to make this place comfortable. I just keep getting so incredibly overwhelmed with all the crap. It's been hard enough to deal with just getting broken up with, but I've had to deal with so much more than that lately. It's all very shitty. I just wish all of the shit would be done, so that I could just deal with being sad and getting my life back together. I feel like I haven't been able to deal with what's been going on at all. I've just been doing things everyday because there's always something that needs to get done. If it isn't homework it's my room and if it isn't that then it's work. I haven't relaxed since this weekend and I was so terrified then entire time that I didn't even really relax then. There's still so much I want to do that doesn't have anythng to do with homework, chores or work. I want to write Brian that list, I want to write in my journal about how awesome my weekend was, including all the details, I want to finish his cd and write him a letter. I want to join a gym, I want to hang out with my friends and family, I want to do art and work on my bonsais, I want to make my room feel like home, but I feel like I can't do any of those things until I get caught up in my homework, finish unpacking, clean out my car, buy groceries, put my air conditioner and cat door in, have a garage sale, get a storage unit, get my oil changed, buy things for my room at target...etc. Ugh, it's so frustrating to feel so stuck. Thinking about things I've started to realize that Brian is probably feel just as overwhelmed as I am right now. Actually, I kind of talked to him today. We texted a couple of times tonight. We have the exact same schedule this week which is weird because that almost never happened when we were living together, but anyways I asked him if he had my abreeva that I let him borrow awhile ago and then we kind of got to talking and he told me he missed me. He did say he's been okay though, which kind of hurt because I've been such a mess. I told him that trying to break things off all cold turkey has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. He still hasn't responded to that. It's such a weird situation we're in. I wish I could get my life organized again so that I would have some time to grieve and really deal with what's left of my life. I feel like I might be as happy as Brian is if I could just get some shit done. It's hard to juggle, school, work and moving out while still trying to relax and cope with a breakup. I don't really like it. I find myself running away from the situation a lot because I'm too depressing to organize my closet or I'm too tired to do my homework. Instead I just watch friends and zone out. It's seems easier that way, but I know the reality is just that it makes things harder because when things have a way of piling up.

On another note, I'm going to see Brian tomorrow. Not to hang out or anything, just to give him my keys to the apartment, but I'm afraid it's going to be weird and akward. I mean we're finally at the point where we are ONLY friends. No kissing, prolonged hugging or hand holding. It's just going to be an emotionless exchange of keys. That sucks. Man, I wish he would figure things out faster. He said he missed me. Shouldn't that mean that we can talk again? I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that untimately I want him to be happy and that it shouldn't matter how large of a role he allows me to play in his life as long as he's happy. But then when I say that I know that it does matter and that I can't help but want to be with him. I can't just stop feeling like that because he decides that we can't talk anymore. I just miss him and I miss the life and the house that we shared together. I hope that someday soon I will find a roommate so that I won't have to be jealous of Brian's independence. Haha. That's not really something I ever expected to hear myself say.

On another note, I realized today that one of the reasons I've been so unhappy lately is because my house is so disorganized!! I'm living with a whole bunch of lazy slobs! I went into Beccah's room yesterday and there was an INCH of dust on her tv! UGH! Keli's house isn't even close to as dirty as my parents' house. It's really hard for me live there because everything is such a mess and no one keeps things clean. I have no idea when the last time beccah cleaned the bathroom was. The shower has A LOT of mold and there is an inch of hair on the bathroom floor. I NEVER let my apratment get dirty like that. It sucks because I don't have the time nor is it my job to clean the bathroom I just moved into, but she won't do anything to help me. I feel so helplessly stuck being uncomfortable and unhappy. I think I might try to talk to my mom and beccah about some of this stuff so that maybe I'll feel more at home soon. I think that would help a lot because lately I've felt so out of place...

Ultimately, I really just want to get my life organized so that I can find a way to be happy again.

Current Mood: contemplative

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