So, today I decided that I’ve given up on Brian. I never wanted to have to do that, but he won’t let me in anymore. I called him at midnight tonight to wish him a happy birthday and he was just completely reserved and unemotional. He won’t let me know anything about what’s going on in his life anymore and he doesn’t even respond when I get hysterical anymore. He’s just been getting really angry and frustrated with me lately. I hate it. I just want to be his friend and be a part of this new life that he’s building for himself, but he won’t let me. It hurts a lot. Also, it seems like he’s carrying a lot of anger and resentment towards me and that sucks too. I just want him to still love me and to remember all the good stuff not the shit that’s been happening for the last couple of weeks. It makes me so mad that all we can do is fight now. We can’t even have one pleasant conversation anymore. It’s really painful. So, the way I see it is that my relationship with him is a complete an total lost cause, for forever probably. There is no reason to put anymore effort into it ever again. All it keeps doing is driving him further and further away, not that that wouldn’t have happened no matter what I had done, but either way, I’m done caring about what happens or doesn’t happen with our relationship or lack thereof. He stopped caring about it a long time ago, so I guess it’s time I catch up. It’s for the best actually. This way I’ll be able to move on with my life without dwelling on stuff that he does or does not do. Also, this way I can no longer be disappointed by him because I’ve already assumed the worst. It’s a little freeing actually. This way I can live my life for me and only me. From now on I plan to try to live life day by day and moment by moment. I don’t want to dwell on the past or the future anymore. I’m going to grab life by the horns and try to enjoy myself.
On another note, I went to the gym today. It was a good way to let some of my pent up shit out. I was there for an hour and a half. I also have kind of started doing weight watchers, so hopefully this will be a good start to my new life. I’m trying, (pretty unsuccessfully, so far) to make the most of this situation. It’s been really hard, but I just need to try to keep my head above water right now and not think about Brian. As Vaneza has told me, I need to focus on me right now. I think that’s going to be the easiest way to get through the next couple of weeks. Also, I really need to get out of bed more often and get some shit done. It’s been almost two weeks since Brian and I said goodbye to each other. I don’t have an excuse anymore. I need to get my shit in order.
To continue listing my life’s problems, the shit with Keli has been really bothering me lately. I keep thinking that if I were in her shoes I would feel SO bad for fighting with her at a time like this. I would have called and apologized that very night, but obviously she is nothing like me. It’s been over 4 days and she has still not said one word to me, well other than that text message that just continued the fight. I don’t know what she expects from me. I miss her, but I’m not about to call her or apologize. I didn’t do anything wrong. She hurt me really bad when I was already hurting and she has yet to even apologize for it. I really thought my friendship meant more to her than that, but she’s made it very clear that it doesn‘t. I mean, I really needed her on Sunday and all she kept doing was kicking me when I was down. I don’t know how she expected me to be able to deal with fighting with her on top of everything else that’s going on in my life right now. I just can’t do it and it’s really nor fair of her to expect me to right now. It’s really funny because just last week I was complaining that no one loved me unconditionally and she told me that SHE did. Well, THAT was obviously a big, fat lie.
Man, I’m so tired of being let down and hurt. I wish I was able to live my life without needing other people. It would make life so much easier and less painful. I feel like I keep reaching out to people and all of them keep either hurting me or letting me down. It’s not fair. I wish none of this had ever happened and tomorrow I will wake up and realize that all of this was just some awful nightmare. I guess I just wish that Keli would understand that at this point in my life I ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT deal with anything else. I just can’t do it. I freeze up and fall apart anytime something else comes up. After I got off the phone with her on Sunday I just laid in bed for 3 hours crying and doing absolutely nothing. I felt so awful and ALONE. I think it’s the worst I’ve felt in a very long time. I mean, all the Brian shit is awful, but adding fighting with Keli to all of that completely brings me down to a new low. I just can’t believe she hasn’t called or written me on live journal or something yet. This whole thing sucks.
In other news, I kind of have a new man friend. He messaged me on myspace the other day and told me I was beautiful. He claimed he remembered me from Comstock and Piner. I was really skeptical at first, but I’m not really in a position in my life where I can be picky about friends. I need all the friends I can get right now. Anyways, we started talking last night and he seems like an okay guy. He asked me out to breakfast, lunch and dinner and I denied them all. The truth is, even if I wasn’t a mess right now I don’t think I’d date him for many reasons, the number one reason being that he has slept with Janessa. The other reasons are because he’s really needy and he seems kind of immature. Also he’s been really pushy about talking about things I’m not ready to talk about, like sex or going on a date. I don’t want a boyfriend and at the rate he’s going I don’t want a friend either. I think talking to him has had it advantages though. I’m realizing a lot of things about myself. I’m realizing that I really AM as moralistic about sex as I thought I was. The only reason I had sex with Brian so quickly is because I already trusted him. I don’t think I would ever do that again though. I really have to take things slow in a relationship in order to feel safe and to be able to trust the person. I’m realizing also that I have some major, deep-seated trust and control issues that more than likely stem from my upbringing. Also, I’m realizing what type of guy I like and that I’m really not as pathetic as I once was and once thought I was. At this point in my life, I actually DON’T want to be in a relationship, which is surprising to me. I once thought that if Brian and I ever broke up I would just do some relationship hopping until I felt better. Well, I can finally honestly say that I know that isn’t going to happen. I always thought I wouldn’t be able to handle this shit alone and that I would need some poor shmuck to rebound to, but I don’t. I don’t want that right now, mostly because I don’t want to open up to anyone right now, but also because there really isn’t room in my life for a man.
Talking to Andrew has been kind of annoying actually. He’s one of those really needy guys that calls all the time and wants to hang out all the time. Also, he always says sexual things that make me uncomfortable. I think maybe I’m just not ready to even make new friends right now, as sad as that sounds. I just feel like I’m going to end up hurting him if I don’t stop talking to him right now. Also, I really don’t need a reason to feel guilty about how I feel about Brian. When I’m ready to move on, I will. I wouldn’t mind being friends with him and getting to know him better, but there’s so much pressure and I don’t know how to make it go away. I’m still gonna try, I guess, but it has been really hard because I feel obligated to make time for him and I don’t want to. I just need to feel free to live my own life right now and I’m going to try really hard to make sure no one and nothing gets in the way of that.
I think because I’ve been fighting with Kel, I’ve really missed and needed her. It’s been pretty lame, but I keep thinking of all the things I want to do with her lately and it makes me hope that we will eventually make things better. After I started talking to Andrew I really wanted to call Kel and get her advice about everything. Tomorrow is Thursday and I’m really sad that I won’t be able to hang out with her. It’s our hang out day L . I’m hanging with nez and Reina, but it won’t be the same without Kel. Also, we were supposed to do shrooms this weekend and now we won’t be able to because kel and I are fighting. I just really miss my best friend and I’m really hurt and angry that we’re still fighting because honestly, if she would just apologize and understand why I got so hurt and angry I would easily accept her apology with no hard feelings. It just sucks because I miss her and I don’t want to be fighting with her right now. UGH!
Anyways, I think that is it for now. I haven’t written in awhile so obviously there was a lot of shit bottled up inside of me. Oh wait, there’s one more thing. My mom told me today that the DA called her today and told her that they had dropped the charges against my dad. They said they didn’t have sufficient evidence to convict him. I was very glad to hear that, but my mom was really angry. She said that now that the charges are being dropped she can’t see the counselor she was seeing because victim services was paying for it before. Now she can’t afford to continue going. My dad is still going to therapy though. God, I can’t even imagine him trying to talk to someone about his feelings. Every time I’ve seen him try he ends up yelling.
Anyways, my mom asked me today if I would be upset if she tried to press charges against him. I told her no, but I really would be. She should be dealing with this problem with dad, not by getting the law involved, which is pretty much what my dad told her when he found out how she felt. What I don’t think he understands though is that because of the ruling my mom feels like he will never get sufficient punishment for what he did because she would never make him suffer like that. She loves him too much. Also, she doesn’t feel safe knowing that he could get away with that kind of thing all over again without anything happening to him. She thinks it makes him feel like he didn’t do anything wrong which I don’t think it does. I just feel bad for my mom and I think that if she feels so unsafe and unhappy that she actually WANTS to see him behind bars that she should divorce him and make him move out. It seems like she has no hope of things ever getting better so she’s not willing to trust him again therefore, they should both move on with their lives and not leave them in this constant limbo that my mom is leaving them in. It just feels like my mom is going to make my dad sleep on the couch forever and she will never make a decision because she doesn’t want to. She’s afraid of change. I just hope they work things out. I don’t want my parents to get a divorce…
The end of this week’s saga/update.
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