I can’t sleep because I can’t get the things that I need to say to you out of my head. I’ve been running from them for a couple of days now and that’s why I haven’t been able to sleep lately and why I had a dream last night that I couldn’t fly the plane. I’m NOT flying the plane right now Brian, I’m running away from it because I can’t deal with the stuff that I need to tell you alone. (Hence the weed and the many movies I’ve been watching lately. The old numbing routine. It didn’t quite work this time.)

Brian, writing that letter to you last night brought up a whole mess of inner demons that I wasn’t prepared to deal with, especially not alone. I know we haven’t had much time to talk about stuff lately and I know having to make time to deal with this is going to stress you out, but please try to be understanding and make some time for this. I’m not saying that I don’t understand that we’ve both been busy I’m just saying that I can’t hold things in anymore. It physically and emotionally hurts to do so.

Anyways, yesterday when I was writing your letter I was trying to think of all the things I wanted you to know before we were over. Before we both head out into the big bad world all by ourselves. I played over in my head every mistake I made with you and every reason that you should have headed for the hills years ago. I was coping with it all fine, I ever managed to write you a beautiful letter that says all the right things and still manages to stay strong, cool and collected. But, everything came crashing down yesterday when we talked on the phone and then it all crumbled when I was driving home from work. Every time I try to think about what words I want to use to say this to you I end up in tears and it sucks.

So, what I’m trying to say Brian is that after carefully examining everything that went wrong in our relationship I have come to the conclusion that a lot of the problems were entirely my fault and that realization is completely and totally crushing. You see, ever since we began dating I knew that we were both in very different places in our lives and so right off the bat I tried to become this completely strong, independent girl so that you would love me the way that I wanted to be loved. It’s only now that it’s over and I’ve had the chance to examine this relationship from other angles that I’ve realized how much time and energy I’ve spent on trying to be someone I’m not. This whole relationship I’ve tried to convince myself and everyone around me that I don’t NEED anyone, but the terrifying truth is that I do. Brian, I HATE to be alone. I can’t stand when you go on vacation with the guys and I don’t necessarily even like being independent. I am completely terrified to try to live my life without the love an affection I get from you. The reason that telling you this is such a big deal for me is because I’ve always thought that if you were to find out that I’m exactly the pathetic, needy teenager that you thought I was then I wouldn’t have had the pleasure of spending the last three years of my life with you. I’m completely convinced that if I had even once let you meet the needy, pathetic girl that’s inside of me that you would have kicked me to the curb years ago.

It’s weird because after I realized all that yesterday it was like all the problems in our relationship finally made sense to me. I mean, why do you think I never believed that you loved me? I’m sorry if this makes you disappointed in me or makes you look down on me, but I want you to know that I am not just a weak person. All of this neediness is honestly because I was never loved enough as a child. I know that sounds like some line I just pull out when I can’t handle taking the blame for something, but I have always tried to prove myself to my parents and yet I’ll still never be good enough for them. That’s why being in a relationship is so hard for me and that’s why I need to be in one so bad. I need someone, anyone to reassure me that I’m not just a piece of crap that no one will ever love. I know that’s pathetic, but I want you to know that I will be actively working on this when I move out. I really need to be able to deal with being single without falling apart. Also, it probably won’t hurt to try to rebuild my relationship with my family so that I can check that off my list of unresolved demons. Although I am really scared things aren’t going to turn out as white picket fence and perfect as I want them to be. I mean if I’m still this fucked up from the stuff that they did to me last time I lived there than what makes me think I won’t just end up deeper down that road than I was before? I’m hoping that instead of falling into the same old routine that I was in in high school that I will be stronger and smarter than I was then and that some healing will actually happen instead of more hurting. I don’t know if can handle anymore pain, so I really hope things go okay.

Anyways, the point of this letter wasn’t just to tell you that deep down I am really just a pathetic needy person. I actually had something much more profound to get off my chest. For me the letter I’m writing to you is cleaning the slate. I’m not going to let us leave with unresolved issues. Brian, I really need you to know that a lot of the problems in our relationship were either because I was too scared to tell you how I was really feeling or because I was too proud and thick-heading to realize when I was wrong and apologize. I know you’ve spent most of this relationship trying to be enough for me and I’m really sorry things had to be that way. I know I really need to work on trusting people to actually love me. I also know that apologizing isn’t going to make everything better. I want you to know that I know that all of our problems aren’t because YOU were doing something wrong. A good majority of the time it was because of my inability to tell you that I needed you so instead I would fight about how you needed to do this more or you weren’t doing that right. I need you to know this Brian because I don’t want you leaving things thinking that all of this is your fault and you need to fix so much, when in reality I think I need more fixing than you do.

It feels good to finally tell you how much of a mess I am. I wish I had been able to be honest about it and work on it a long time ago, but I really was scared you would break up with me immediately after you found out. Thinking about things now, I’m realizing that it’s probably absurd of me to think that you didn’t know that I have always been this pathetic fool. I just wish I had known that you accepted it a long time ago. It really is stupid for me to assume that one little trait could have scared you off so easily, especially one that I’m not fond of either. Truth be told I’m still really scared that telling you this is going to disgust you and make you realize how happy you are about your decision to break up with me. Well, I guess that’s all I have to say for now. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for everything because I really am sorry. I love you Brian.

~Megan