Current mood:

angry

Life Sucks...
So far everything about living without Brian sucks. I can barely get through each day anymore. I'm constantly having to remind myself to just take life day by day and breathe. I find myself pathetically trying to think up excuses to call him. I feel like my life has no meaning now. I'm just floating through life, barely feeling. I don't really care about anything anymore and I'm terrified that he's enjoying being free of me. I feel completely and utterly pathetic. I wish this wasn't so hard and I wish I wasn't so incredibly miserable. I can barely get myself to do anything anymore, even the stuff I used to enjoy. I almost cancelled on keli yesterday because I almost convinced myself that I'd rather be alone. As if that would have made anything easier. I just feel like such a burden to my friends now. Like I'm a chore or something.

 Nothing is fun anymore. I can't sleep. I can't eat. It took me 3 days to be able to write anything. It's too hard to feel. It's too hard to analyze what's going on. Everything about being conscious hurts. I can't find the energy to do anything anymore. All I want to do is somehow fast forward to october. God, I had all these plans for myself. I wanted to better myself, but I just don't care anymore. I'm too fucking depressed. I want to go hide under some rock somewhere and just admit defeat. I'm not worthy of being in the same room with normal people. I can't even hold a conversation anymore without wanting to run and hide or without crying. Everything reminds me of him and I feel like I can't even get from one moment to the next without longing for him. I've been falling apart at work to the point where I can almst not even be there. I have these panic attacks where I just start crying in the middle of doing things for almost no reason at all. It's been really hard lately. I feel bad for my friends. I know I'm no fun to hang out with or talk to anymore. I'm such a mess. My life has changed so much in the last month that I don't even recognize it anymore. I really want to call him... God, that sucks. I feel like a such loser. The thing that sucks the most is that by doing this I'm actually realizing that I'm really angry at him. I have no idea what to do with that feeling either. I obviously can't talk to him... Even if I could I care so much about what he thinks of me that I would NEVER tell him. I just can't believe that he abandoned me like this. I have done SO MUCH for him, or at least I've always tried to. Now I'm barely able to get through a day without severely falling apart. I hate him for making us do this. Doesn't he know that I need him? How can he ever say that he cared about me if he could do this to me? I can barely breathe now. How did I ever let my life get this screwed up? I never wanted to get so wrapped up in a man that my life would be in shammbles if he ever left me. How could I have ever let this happen to me AGAIN? I already went through this once with Brenden. I should have been smarter this time. I should have kept my distance. I should have known I could never successfully live the dream. I'm never going to be able to trust anyone ever again. I just feel like I deserve this or something. Obviously I can't keep a man for very long. It's got to be something to do with me. UGH!!! I just wish this was easier or I wish I could just stay in bed forever!!! I hate my life right now...