Current mood:

pissed off

God, I'm beginning to fuckin' HATE men!!!
So, tomorrow is going to be really hard for me. Brian is having a birthday party tomorrow night and he has invited pretty much everyone he knows except me. Way to make it fucking obvious that I'm never going to be a part of your life again, dick! He fucking invited jeremy! Jeremy is MY friend. If I find out that he invited any of my girlfriends I'm going to fucking flip out!! Even worse if any of them GO I'm going to flip out. God, he's purposefully teaming us and our friends against each other and it fucking sucks! I hate being "the EX" and feeling how much it fucking sucks. Everytime I think about him I just wanna cry or punch him or something. Ugh, I just miss him and I hope to fucking god that sunday morning he wakes up with a super hang over and he misses me. I hope getting fucking wasted just makes him depressed, but knowing him, he'll just end up waking up with no hang over and happy as a clam. I don't get how he doesn't understand that he's making things harder for both of us by not letting us talk or see each other. God, we can't even be friends now? What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this kind of treatment. I feel like I'm the fucking plague or something. I'm just so fucking pissed off and hurt right now!!! I don't even want to go to his stupid party, I'd rather hang out with my friends, which is what I'm gonna do, but it'd be nice to be fucking invited. That's why I think this whole thing would be easier if we were still talking because we wouldn't have to assume reasons for the actions that the other person is doing. We could actually talk to each other and know where things stand at all times and then things could naturally fall where ever they re gonna fall. I just hate not talking to him. I feel so alienated. I feel like he hates me and that I'll never get to have him in my life again. What I want most in the world right now is just to hold him in my arms and play with his hair. I want to look into his eyes and know that I still mean something to him, but that isn't going to happen ever again and I hate him for it. Everytime I turn around he's found a new way to hurt me. I just wish I had that kind of power over him, but I don't and I never will. He never loved me the way I loved him.

Anyways, now that I'm done bitching about Brian, I'll bitch about another guy.  So, I invited the stupid, needy myspace guy to the bars tonight and guess what? He fucking cancelled on ME?! I mean I can't even get some pathetic myspace nerd to come to a bar to see me. I mean how ugly do I have to be to not even be able to get him?! It was just a slap in the face that I really didn't need right now. He asked me if we could do something some other time. I told him I didn't know, but the truth is FUCK NO! I don't fucking need another guy that's going to reject me in my life. Fuck that! He's so not wirth my time anymore. 

The thing that sucks is that earlier today I was in a good mood and now I'm fucking crying again. I was starting to enjoy my life. I mean I lost 4 pounds this week! That put me in a great mood! I'm enjoying going to the gym, I'm enjoing living at home and I'm enjoying having the time to go out with my friends, but then all this shit happened and I can barely contain how awful I feel. I just need to keep myself busy and not think about it. Hopefully if I can do that then maybe brian will come crawling back to me. Fucking doubtful, but oh-well. A girl can hope. I'm just trying so hard, despite how much it hurts to stay away from brian and not call or text him. It's been hard, really hard. But other than thursday(his birthday) and my miscarriage, I've been doing well. Maybe if I keep this up he'll actually call me next week like he said he would. Yeah right, but of course I'm going to hope for it anyway and then of course I'm going to get hurt. It fucking sucks. FUCK MEN!!!! I HATE THEM ALL!!!