Megoland

Feeling stressed and gross lately

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:40:45 GMT

So, im breaking up with jeremy tomorrow. I'm over this whole dating guys things. It's highly over-rated and males are all assholes anyways. I've been super stressed and depressed since I realized I wanted to break up with him. It sucks. I pretty much cant deal with my life AT ALL until I get this shit over with. I feel like such an asshole for not liking him the way he likes me. Also I feel like there is something wrong with me because of it, so its just making me feel super gross and depressed. BUT, it WILL be nice to feel like I can finally breathe and be myself again. It kinda feels like I was dating him a LOT longer than a week because of how committed and serious he was about things. I'm sad that I'm gonna hurt him, but at this point I'm also kind of pissed at him. He's hella checking up on me/stalking me. It's really gross. I was trying to protect and respect him by not telling him what was going on over the phone tonight. I wanted to do it in person tomorrow out of respect, but instead he hella stalked me online and confronted me. He 'caught' me on okcupid tonight and started bitching me out for being on the site and for not changing my status on that site and my adult friend finder site. He pretty much accused me of cheating on him, which is total bullshit. Just becuase I haven't changed my status on my dating websites doesnt mean I cheated on him. I dont know how he thinks I would have time to cheat on him anyways. And on top of that he asked me if the only reason I started dating him was because I wanted him to stop looking for someone else. ERR! I cant stand being accused of things like that!! So yeah, needless to say I'm going to break up with him tomorrow. Here are my many reasons:
* we want different things relationship wise(obviously)
* he talks constantly while we have sex, saying things like "fuck me"
* hes immature
* hes not all that intelligent
* hes not very witty or funny and he for sure cant keep up with my sarcastic asshole ish sense of humor
* we're just completely different ppl looking for completely different things in our lives right now
* I dont understand him and he certainly doesnt understand me

Ok, so I HAVE learned a few things from dating Jeremy so this hasn't been a completely pointless experience. I am not in any way ready or willing to be in another relationship at this point in my life. I WANT to be in one, yes, but I highly doubt I'm ready. My life is too busy and chaotic and I dont want to sacrifice anything for anyone right now. Especially not anyone that I only kind of like. I think if I WERE to try the whole relationship thing again it would have to be something super slow with no expectations and just letting things move naturally. That's something that will still be difficult for me, but it at least would be doable. whereas what jeremy and I had going on was NOT doable for me. it was too much too fast and so now im over it. I cant and wont change who i am for anyone. It's just not gonna happen and I feel like in order to be with jeremy I have to do that. So, im over it. I'm not gonna do that. I just feel bad that he had to get hurt because of it... I hope things arent too messy and I hope I can finally get my life back and that I can breath again soon. Cuz honestly this whole relationship thing is making me super claustrophobic, which is weird... Ive never been like this in a relationship before. well... thats not true. With mark I felt like that a little bit but thats only because he wasnt here. I think at this point in my life there is just too many ppl I want to meet and things I want to do for me to think tying myself down into a long term relationship is a good idea. Also, its fun to go out and meet new ppl. I've only been in a relationship for a week and I already miss single life. lame. Besides, I need to lose weight and with jeremy or any other time consuming stressful addition to my life its very hard to focus my energy on that, especially when I know I stress AND emotionally eat. Its so fucking dumb, but it makes me feel better for like a second and then I feel worse again. Oh well. I think if the breakup part goes well then I'm just gonna relax all by myself in my room tomorrow night. I'll watch movies, smoke weed and just take some time for myself. It's been awhile since I did that. I'm excited. I DO feel bad for him, but I need this. I just need to be allowed to relax and be alone. Maybe thats what I didn't like or wasnt ready for? He constantly wanted to know what I was doing and join in. It's been SOO long since I had someone checking up on me that the entire idea disgusts me. My bf needs to trust me, even if I dont talk to him for a day or two or more. Especially in the beginning of a relationship I shouldnt have to check in with him. Thats retarded.

Ok, in other news, I totally dont want my parents to break up... I want to move out with maria in march, not get stuck supporting my mom for the rest of forever because she cant support herself by herself. I want freedom and I'm not gonna get any of that if I move out with her and beccah... I mean how awkward would it be to want to bring a man home, but have to ask my mom for permission first even though technically my mother and I are roommates... that just sounds awful, not to mention that with mom comes moms baggage, ie, nikki. Fuck that shit, man. This is gonna be a terrible idea.

Next topic, i miss maria and I cant fucking wait til she can call me again. And you know what? I really DO want to join the navy. I think it would be good for me. I just need to get my fucking life in order so that I can focus on loosing the dumb weight so that I can. I wish I didn't work so damn much so that I had more time to focus on this, but oh well. Life goes on. I'm one of those lame ass optimitic ppl that believes that everything happens for a reason and when the time is right things will happen the way they are suppose to happen. Things will most certainly go well for me eventually. I have to believe that. But to be honest, maria, or no maria, besides all the relationship stress, I've been super happy lately. I've been content even though I have no bf, no counter part. Maybe thats why I'm so reluctant to get into another relationship. I dont want my happiness to be based on someone else anymore and I dont want this contentness to be taken away, ever. I'm happy with my life, for the first time in a long time. Why would I EVER let someone barge into my life again and fuck that all up? That sounds like a very stupid idea if you ask me.

URG! I'm frustrated because I dont know if my reluctance to continue dating Jeremy is because of all my fears or if its really just because I'm not that into him... I think it's probably both, but part of me doesnt want to give up because I know that part of the reason is because of my fears. If I wasnt scared at all, dumping him would be easier. But you know what I've been here before with the dumb ass 19 yo and I didnt regret that decision so I cant let myself regret this one either. I need to stop overthinking this and just follow my gut, which has been telling me this entire time to run, run far, far away. This is for the best. I know it is. No more doubting. Wish me luck! I hate hurting ppl......

Letter to Maria/Life Update 2

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 12:54:29 GMT

Hey you,

Wow, getting your letter tonight was a god send. I miss you so much too! I'm going through SOOO much right now and I don't have you to talk to and it sucks! I mean, I'm exaggerating, for sure, but I have a bf now and it's fucking difficult to deal with without you here to keep me sane. We've only been dating since the 28th of November, but I'm already freaking out on him, like every ten seconds. Dating is TERRIFYING! God, if I thought things were hard with Mark because of Brian, well things are that much harder with Jeremy because of Mark AND Brian. Fuck men, man! They've hella broken me and made me used goods for everyone else. I think I may have kinda sorta had my first fight with the new beau tonight... God, I wish you were here to talk me through it soooo much. He's one of those super innocent, super genuine guys and I hella like him, but he's coming on SOOO strong when we've only been dating for a couple of days. For example, he's already told me that if he weren't leaving for boot camp in April he would want to move out with me... WTF? I think he's crazy for liking me that much already so I keep trying to test him or scare him off. (I know, I'm insane, but you know this already) Oh and get this, he calls me his angel. hahahaha. Riiiight. I thought you'd get a kick out of that. I'm just having issues with this whole dating thing. And you know what makes it worse? The fact that he's leaving. FML, man. Even if things DO go well with him I'm fucked. I'm 100% in fight or flight mode right now. All I want to do is somehow scare him off so I can go back to my carefree single life, but I know that in reality that isnt what I REALLY want, its just so fucking much easier. It's hard too because things are kinda moving at warp speed with him and I dont like it. I still have sooo many doubts and he's already on the band wagon for me to wait for him when he goes to boot camp. wtf man? I'm not committing to that. Been there done that, no thanks. I'm just not ready to be as committed to things as he is. It's too scary. There's too much to lose. I don't know how YOU do it with all the guys you have. I mean you rush head first into things and it doesn't phase you or scare you at all and you've been hurt just as much as I have. I dont get it...

I'm not sure if that last rant made any sense considering you dont know much about my man situation at the moment, but I hope it did. I will fill you in 100% as soon as you get a chance to call me. But seriously, you're letter had such perfect timing today. I was totally falling apart about the whole Jeremy thing and so of course all I wanted to do was talk to you about it, not him. I even posted a status update on facebook about how much I wish I could talk to you today. Speaking of facebook, Christian and I have kinda been bonding over how much we both miss you. Although not really. I still dont really like him. Or maybe that's just me not wanting him to take you away from me again talking? I want you to fucking come home and if he might get in the way of that then I'll hate him forever. (I can be a little jealous, lol)

12/1/09
But anyways, I read your letter to my parents and they laughed and kinda felt bad for you. Now let me answer your questions: Sonoma county is boring as ever although keli and I tore up the dirty bird the other day. That was pretty fun. We both miss you like crazy though. Noah is still not on speaking terms with reina and jer, actually none of us really are. They both have pretty much disappeared off the face of the planet for some strange reason. Noah and I are even barely talking nowadays. I tried talking to him tonight and he admitted that he wasnt in fact fucking with me when he gave me a hard time for fucking all these other people and not him. So, now things are weird between us. I think he kinda actually might have feelings for me but he'll never admit it and so now I dont know how to act around him. I miss him though and wish we could just go back to the way things used to be... If things are still fucked up with him when you get back to AL I'm employing you to fix things.

Next question, what did I decide to do with my life? ha, who knows? I'm kinda sorta waiting on my mom to decide at this point. She wants me to move out with her and bec soon, but she isnt planning anything and my dad is still trying to get her to change her mind. It's just a waiting game at this point and I cant fucking stand it. If I'm not moved out with my mom when you get back here we are SOOOO moving out together!! I DID however make one decision in your absence. I decided to go for Navy reserves if I go at all, which I'm still leaning towards. That way I can keep my current job and come back to it when I'm done with boot camp and A school. I'm still working on losing the weight, but with all my family and boy drama its hard to find time let alone the motivation. (sigh) Perhaps you can be my drill sergeant when we live together? lol.

Next question: The mark situation is non-existant. We havent talked since before you left, which is more than likely for the best, but hurts none the less. I explained the noah situation to you above and actually zach will not talk to me at this point either. I facebooked him once and he deleted it and never responded. Oh well.

12/2/09

Next question: new hookups? Well other than chris and the new beau, no. Although I'm starting to severely regret starting to date jeremy... Chris's gf leaves in two weeks and I wanna keep fucking him. Dang it! I'm thinking I'm gonna break up with my little virgin so I can keep things going with chris but I havent decided yet. I'll probably give Jer a little more time to cool his jets and if he doesnt then I'm gonna cut him loose. I cant handle the expectation for such a huge committment. Its too stressful and honestly I dont like him enough to want to committ to that. In fact, I dont really think I even like him enough to continue dating him either, but I want someone to hang out with and do bf-y things with. At this point I'm pretty sure I wont be with him when you finish basic, but if I am it will probably only be because I fucking hate hurting people. He just isnt mature or dynamic enough for me. And he doesnt really make me laugh either. And the sex is just... alright, I guess... Honestly, I just think I'm lonely and I wanted him to be good for me, but he's not and I need to accept that, it's just sad. He really IS sweet. I want a sweet sensitive guy SO bad, but this just isnt the right one, I guess. God, I'm gonna fuck him over sooo bad. Poor guy, but at least I'm gonna break things off with him soon so that I dont let him fall for me any more than he already has. I don't want to be one of those ppl that string ppl along for one reason or another, especially if that reason is because I don't want to hurt him, but FUCK I dont want to deal with the breaking up part. UGH! I always feel like there is something wrong with me for not wanting to continue things with whoever. Oh well. If you can do basic training I supposed I can find the balls to crush my virgin's soul. Wish me luck! lol. But wait... How should I do it? I dont even know HOW to break up with someone... What should I say? Should I delete him from my facebook too so I can rant about how happy I am to be single again without hurting his poor little feelings? This is too fucking complicated. Maybe I wont do it? Oh well. Whatever. We'll see, I guess.

After that depressing rant, now I have some comedy for you. When Beccah first started fucking the new guy I warned her that there might be a puddle of cum when he pulled out because his dick is bigger than the werewolf's and she told me, yeah right, that only happens to you because you have a loose vagina. So I said, excuse me?! I've NEVER had any complaints in the vagina department, thank you very much! and she just laughed until yesterday when she fucked him again and he pulled out and there was a giant puddle! Ha! I win! I was sooo happy! Apparently it isn't my vagina, which I knew, but still. I dont like ppl questioning my tightness. lmao. So, theres your comedy for the day.

Here's a couple of fun facts I just realized the other day: first of all, I apparently have always been interested in military men. Here's why I think this: One of the guys I dated in middle school, Matt, is now in the air force, Daniel, the 19 yo I fucked is a marine recruit, Mark, we all know is a fucking puddle jumpin moron, and my current bf, jeremy is a navy recruit. I laughed my ass off when I realized that. Thats a good chunk of the guys I've dated and/or fucked... I'm still not sure what I think about this realization, but I figured I would share it with you because I knew you'd get a kick out of it.
Second, Noah ACTUALLY likes me... WTF? How is that even possible?
Next, I'm not fucking my electrifying plank guy anymore because I'm dating an inexperienced, immature, sensitive weepy guy? Again, wtf? Hey, but at least HIS penis is bigger than all and every type of cigarettes. lmao.
Next, Ozzy thinks Brian is super hot and would totally fuck him. Wouldn't that be the BEST thing to catch on video tape EVER? I would LOVE to see Brian getting fucked in the ass by Ozzy. (I'm an asshole, but STILL)
Lastly, I think I'm getting drunk with my mom this weekend. We're going to her x-mas party and staying in a hotel that night. Shit's gonna get CRA-ZAY! I'm excited to see my mom let loose.

Next question: My parents are alright. Nikki is making life hell for all of us, but there isnt really anything going on thats worth mentioning, at least not in a letter. We'll catch up more when you get back. Oh and Andrew is fine, although he's got some weird growth on his penis because of the bone marrow transplant... Is that what you wanted to know? lol.

I'm so glad you (most likely) decided to come home after your AIT. I think being home will be really beneficial for you, even if it DOES end up just being for a little while. And of course I would LOVE to live with you.

I cant wait to hear about your crazy ass dreams and yes, you're right, I WOULD be going pretty insane if I hadn't had sex in a month. lol. Although, what happened to your starfish ways? You should be fine, right? Who knows? Maybe Christian changed you into a REAL boy since I've seen you last. lol.

Oh, about Christian, I highly doubt you have anything to worry about. I mean, by no means am I telling you to trust him. (He IS still a boy, right?) But, all I'm saying is that I KNOW he really misses you. All of his status updates have been about you.

11/28/09 "Just put Marie and I's sheets back on the bed. It's going to be the first time I've slept with them since she left in Oct. This is out of control! I'm going more crazy each and every day Marie is gone. Thank God only a few more days left. I
love you Marie with all my heart and always will til death do us part."

There are more, but I dont feel like writing them all out for you. The gist of it is that he loves you and didn't mean to give you the wrong idea. I think you guys will be fine, that is if you actually DO want to be with him. I still think you can do better, but what do I know? I hardly know him, I just dont see him as all that mature, nor do I think you two are looking for the same things in a relationship. I say don't fucking marry him, at the very least, but again, wtf do I know?

I LOVE that you haven't changed much. I laughed my ass off reading your letter. Same ol Marie and her ridiculous rants about the weirdest bullshit. I miss your rants and your bullshit so much sometimes. Also Ive found that its hard for me to make decisions regarding boys without your input. Somehow you make things so much clearer for me. lol.

I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you marie. I really am, but you will be done soon and you will get to hear my sing-song laugh on the other end of the phone VERY soon. lol. I know thats exactly what you're missing the most because I KNOW I'm your favorite person in the whole world even though I'm a sarcastic asshole most of the time. No, but seriously, I miss you like crazy and I can't wait to catch up!

Take care of yourself crazy!
Love ya!
Meggers

Letter to Maria/Life Update

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 12:53:17 GMT

Hey there chica!

Long time no see. I miss you like crazy! It seems no one understands my weirdness the way that you do. I feel slightly out of balance without our random chats about everything, but mostly boys, of course. It's very strange living without you actually. I'm glad to hear that you are surviving. I'm not gonna say I was worried about you because I wasn't. I know you're a lot stronger than you think you are, but I WAS worried that you would make things harder for yourself by being the dumbass attention whore that you are. It seems like I was right, of course, like always. lol.

So, whats this I hear about a tradgedy? What happened to Army strong, hooah and all that bullshit? Come on soldier, stiffen up that upper lip! Yeah, I have no idea what I'm talking about, but it sounds good so I'm going with it. By the time you get this letter you'll only have a little over a week or so left. So stay strong and know we all love you, very, very much and miss you just as much. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write you back. I've been freakin busy!

So here's my update and then I'll end the letter with hella song lyrics that you can use. Alright, let's start with boys because that's ALWAYS the most interesting part of ANYONE's life. The best, most interesting boy gossip I have for you is actually about my lil sis, Beccah. I just found out yesterday that she is now officially fucking two guys at once! Ha, I find it VERY hilarious, although I'm sure that you're disgusting right now, but eating it up nonetheless. She's still dating the nasty ass werewolf, but now shes added a virgin to her list of men and apparently this virgin has a decent sized dick too. Around 7" and thick, she's LOVING it! I'm hoping this new guy will be SO cool she'll leave the stinky werewolf, but I'm not holding my breath, although she DID get in her first fight with him yesterday because she 'accidently' let the new guy 'mark' her, which according to their weird open relationship rules, only her werewolf is allowed to do that. My sister is CRAZY, but as you can probably tell, I LOVE it!! lol.

Ok, now my own boy drama to update you on. Chris and I are still kinda sorta not really seeing each other. I still talk to him maybe once a week or so, but he's been 'really busy' or whatever because his gf is about to move sometime in Dec. I've only sexed him 3 times total and hung out with him 4 times total. I'm kinda over it at this point because he's DEFINITELY not relationship material, but I'm still kinda sorta waiting to see how things play out when his gf moves to LA. If he wants to hang more often I probably will, if not, oh well. He has promised that we would, but I'm not exactly holding my breath, the man is a slut, lol.

In other boy news, I kinda sorta have a bf thing at the moment. I may or may not by the time you get out of basic, but such is life. His name is jeremy (no, not reina's jeremy) and I met him through ok cupid. I dont think I was talking to him yet before you left so I doubt you've seen pics yet. Either way, he's 24, he's a navy recruit (leaving in april, I think) and he's pretty much a virgin. He's slept with one person, one time, gone down on a few people and before me, he'd never made out with anyone. Weird, right? Yeah. I've gone on like 4 or 5 dates with him so far (some of which have been at my house) and we've still only made out, and he sucks at it... I'm not sure how I feel about whether there's potential there for something long term or not but as of right now, we're just 'dating' nothing official yet and we're not exclusive, meaning I've shown him my aff profile and I told him about chris. He's super sweet though. When we went on our first official date he opened all my doors, brought me flowers and paid for dinner. It's weird to be treated so well... I'm not sure how I feel about it or how I feel about him. Of course my first instinct is to run away or make it just about sex because the last thing I want or need right now is to relinquish my freedom just to get hurt again, but for right now I'm just trying to take it day by day. Today, I enjoy spending time with him, if I dont tomorrow then I won't. Simple as that. If and when we have sex that will definitely play into whether or not I continue seeing him. If its as bad as the make out was and I see no potential for anything better than I'm over it. If it's good then we'll see. He wants to meet you (because I talk about you WAY too much) so when you get home you'll have to skype me sometime so you can talk to both of us.

Ok, so thats the majority of my boy update. Here's the rest of it: So, I haven't talked to Noah pretty much since you left. I kinda just assumed he was over it and I didnt really have the time or the energy to care. So the other day, like less than a week ago I IMed him and told him I missed him and started telling him about Jeremy and how pissed I was that we STILL havent had sex and he FREAKED out on me. He told me he didnt want to talk to me about sex because I wouldnt sleep with him anymore and then he asked me why I wouldn't. So I told him, well duh, its because I know theres no way in hell he'll ever have real feelings for me and he got all pissed and started asking me why I can believe all these other douche bags and not him. So I said well all the the other people I sleep with at least took me out for a date and treated me right and even specifically told me they have feelings for me. So, he got pissed again and said so you're not sleeping with me because I didn't take you out on one date? So yeah it went back and fourth for awhile and eventually he just stopped Iming me. The very next day as soon as I signed into skype he Imed me again saying, I hope you know I was just fucking with you last night, right? So I imed him back and said, so you'd really rather me believe you're an asshole than that you might actually have feelings for me. Yeah he never responded to that. So, my question is, when did noah become such a complete douchbag? I'm a little appalled by his behavior, but whatever. I'm over it. If he wants to be a moron than he can be. I just thought you'd enjoy hearing the gossip. lol.

Other than that all has been alright in my world. I've been working my ass off, staying out of trouble and trying to keep my family together. My mom finally told my dad she wants a divorce, nikki finally admitted shes on the pills again and my mom, bec and I are searching for a place to live away from my dad. My family shit has been FUN, yeah right. Divorces suck. I'm learning this the hard way of course. My dad wont talk to my mom so she talks to him through me and vice versa. Its a fucking mess, of course. Blah.

In other news, I haven't talked to mark or Zach since you left. Its been really good for me too, Keli misses you like crazy and overall my life has been really, really good. Well other than missing you like crazy too.

I cant wait to hear about how on earth you got over kevin... and about the new kev. lol. I'm SOOOOO glad you've finally realized that your best friend is gone. That's a hard lesson to learn or accept. So, why on earth do you hate the Army now? and why if you hate it so much would you ever volunteer for deployment? that sounds pretty damn stupid to me...

Lyrics for you

* It aint easy to say goodbye, darling please dont start to cry, cuz girl you know i got to go, lord i wish it wasnt so, saaave tonight, fight the break of dawn, come tomorrow, tomorrow, ill be gone. - save tonight - eagle eye cherry

* I wanna make some babies
I wanna get it on
I wanna make you horny
but I can't get it up

get it up get it up get it up get it up
why can't you get it up why can't you get it up

It must be your face
or it's your body
if it ain't your body
then it must be your face

Uh, geez, heh, I've never had this problem before
It's just uh...
Hold on a second.
Give it a minute. Give it a minute
All right, just give it a minute
Uh, do something sexy!
I don't care, do something sexy
just, whatever you do
don't talk about your fucking boyfriend while we're having sex! How 'bout that?! - MSI - Get it up (I only included the lyrics that I think are hilarious)

* I see you in the club, you gettin' down'
I wanna get with you
I see you in the club, you showin' thugs love
That wanna get with you

[chorus]
You're so beautiful, so damn beautiful
Said your so beautiful, so damn beautiful
You're so beautiful - Beautiful - Akon

* I wear my sunglasses at night,

so I can, so I can, watch you weave

Then breathe your story lines
And I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, so I can
Keep track of the visions in my eyes

While she's deceiving me
It cuts my security
Has she got control of me
I turn to her and say - I wear my sunglasses at night - corey hart

Here's some names of songs, just to jog your memory so you can use some lyrics form them if you remember them.

* This one's for the girls

* Chica cherry cola

* I feel like a woman

* Bye, bye miss american pie

* Build me up buttercup

* Everybody dance now

* What is love

That's all I got for now, sorry. I didn't really know what songs you'd want lyrics to but I tried my best to give you fun stuff.

I miss you hella and I cant wait to hear everything about EVERYTHING you've done!! I hope my letter was at the very least entertaining. I love you Marie. Hang in there! We're all here rooting for you, as always.

~ your bestest friend in the whole world

Megan

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 11:50:36 GMT

I've had a pretty crazy week so far... Also, I had a stupid ass dream about Brian today which really threw me off. I hate dreaming about him because I wake up with that weird feeling of not knowing if it was real or not, but hoping that it wasnt. Today I dreamt that he was dating this gorgeous, short, petite rocker ish chick with huge tits. I don't remember much about the dream but I remember that he introduced us to each other and when I shook her hand I realized how tiny her hands were (seriously minature and weird looking) and I made a big fuss about them. Then of course Brian had to make out with her in front of me. I just remember watching them and feeling so upset that I didn't have a gorgeous guy on my arm to one up him. When I woke up I had this overwhelming feeling of shittiness because my life will never be as good as his is whether I'm a better person than he is or not. I've always wanted to one up him out of sheer competitiveness and revenge, but I probably will never see him again, let alone get the opportunity to do something like that.

I'm super tired right now so I'll post some shit about my week a little later, but it IS looking up a little bit so thats good...

Someday I'll feel better... Today is not that day

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 08:33:04 GMT

Blah... I miss feeling. I miss liking my life enough to get out of bed and live it. I miss feeling like I was worthy of other people's attention. I miss feeling like I was enough. I miss feeling like I didn't have to spend boatloads of energy hiding who I was under make-up and masks before I allowed myself to go out in public.

I've fallen into so disgusting slump that I like to call winter. Or depression. I dunno. All I know is that I have issues. I want and I need people in my life but I dont seem to have the energy or the confidence to reach out. I feel like I shouldnt or I cant hang out with people until all of my shit is in order, which knowing me, will NEVER happen. So instead of dealing with shit that's overwhelming, I disappear into the cyber world until I have to work. It's much easier to hide then it would be to accept reality and deal with it.

I'm gonna miss Maria so much...and mark... I need to get rid of him, but I'm not sure if I'm going to. He doesn't get it and for some reason I need him to even though I know he isn't capable of understanding what I'm going through. It's also hard because it's not like the pain is unbarable or anything, I just think he's a scumbag for jerking me around the way he does. It's not that I'm incapable of being friends with him because I cant deal with the pain, I just don't think I should have to deal with any pain. We're not dating anymore, we shouldn't have anything to fight about. We shouldn't care enough to fight. All of this is bullshit. I think I just need closure and I need for our relationship to change somehow... I need the mixed signals to stop. I need to understand why he cares so much... What is he getting from it? He's not reacting like most men would in this situation... Its confusing and difficult for me to deal with. When I push him away he doesn't let me. Part of me HATES that about him, but part of me kinda likes it. I know that whether he's right for me or not (which he probably isn't) whenever I'm back on the market looking for someone again, thats the type of guy I need. I keep expecting Mark to give up, or give in, but for whatever reason he never does and I can't figure out why. I've tried EVERYTHING I can think of for this guy to give up, but he won't and i don't know why. I'm certainly not worth it... Neither one of us are benefitting from our friendship... It seems so stupid. But I guess at this point I either need to give up and stop being friends or get comfortable. If I haven't been able to shake him in the last 3 months I don't think it's gonna happen, whether I understand why or not.

I need to try to use this as a good thing instead of a bad thing. I've always wanted to be able to say that I'm one of those people that stays good friends with my exes, well this is my opportunity to learn how it works with someone that quite obviously will NOT let me ruin it. I could be gaining a REALLY good friend instead of losing a person I'm quite fond of. The only reason I say 'really' good friend is because whether he performs the duties of a good friend well or not he still falls into that category because he'll always know me better than most. Also, he IS a pretty caring person. Bottom line has always been that I want him to be happy, if that's not with me then that's fine. At least I'll know through it all that I'm important to him even though we're no longer dating. That might be enough. I'm not sure though.

What it boils down to is that I didn't want to be friends with him anymore because after being hurt the way I was by him repeatedly, I didnt want to be setting myself up for more hurt by being friends with him. Even as just friends I'm still closer to him then I am to most people and that's hard for me to deal with. Obviously, seeing as how every time I turn around I'm starting something with him for some reason. I still really want him to apologize, but it's not that big of a deal, I guess... He's a jerk, but for some reason I can deal with that most of the time. It's actually really funny that he has always thought he's too much of an asshole for me... He 100% thinks that if he hadn't tried so hard to make things work when we were together than things wouldn't have worked. I think that's 100% bullshit and when (or if) I stop freaking out and get comfortable in this friendship he will see that. It's funny though because what he doesn't realize is that I've always seen through all the bullshit anyways. And besides, I like him better as a real human being with worries and fears and emotions. MUCH better than I ever liked the guy that drank all the time and who would only take to me about the weather and poop sex. That shit was ridiculous, but somehow I knew that what we have now (or what we could have or will have) was possible. I knew he had deeper feelings and thoughts then he showed me. I'm glad that he's finally a real person with me. Now I just need to convince him that I'm done freaking out on him... That's gonna be an interesting conversation... ha.

Time to work... ew. Blah. Lame. I wonder if I got paid today?

Oh and I love pink! That color always makes me happy. :)

Also, my stupid fucking IUD fell out again. I'm very irritated. The dumb thing only lasted less than 2 months this time. I'm gonna shoot my body for rejecting it again. I guess it's back to fucking hormones for me. I might ask the doc about implenon next. I'm so tired of being on a pill. It's irritating.So I think I'm just not gonna use anything for awhile and then I'll get back on the pill, I guess, then perhaps, implenon, perhaps not. We'll see, but either way I'm irritated. Stupid thing! That hurt WAY too much for it to fall out so quickly.

Today Blows

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 02:22:19 GMT

I hate today and I hate myself. Last night did NOT go as I had planned it to go. I talked to mark for like 4 hours and it just felt like some ridiculous lovers quarrel and now I hate myself for not having the balls to put my foot down with him. I didn't even read him the damn letter. As if it would have made a damn difference if I had anyways, but thats beside the point. We ended up talking about how good the sex was and how I have a very nice clam... Wtf is wrong with me for allowing that bullshit. I sicken myself. But god damn it, I fucking miss him so much! I can't let go of my belief that we have something and having confusing ass conversations with him about sex and why the relationships would never work doesnt help. Why are we even having relationship conversations anyways? If he's so devoted to Manda and if he thinks this one's gonna work so bad then why is he talking to ME about sex? No wonder she doesnt want him to be friends with me. I'd think I was a threat to... It's just weird that he doesnt see it. Bottom line is, I told him he's terrible for me and that I need to be done with the friendship, so I need to follow through with that. I need to get over him and I can't do that while he's jerking me around every 5 minutes. It's ridiculous. You either want someone or you dont and he doesnt, so what the fuck is wrong with me? I don't even know what happened yesterday... I can't even explain it... I'm still spinning from how easily he appeased me without doing or saying a damn thing to me... I don't know how he does it. It's like I go into things so angry and SO hurt and I come out of them somehow fine and talking about sex with him. What? Why? How? Ugh... I hate him... But, no, that's not true. I love the stupid fucker. I am thoroughly disgusted with myself. I KNEW he would do this to me... Somehow he twisted things around on me and made me feel like I was abandoning him or something and thats bullshit!! He kept saying things like 'if you need me to go take a flying leap then I will" as if thats really what I was trying to do! I would NEVER intentionally hurt him! I just wish he wouldn't have cared whether we stayed friends or not because that would have made it easier, but NOOOOO, instead I got into some huge ass argument with him about why he's terrible for me. I'm gonna have to shoot that guy in the face one of these days. Oh and to make today even fucking better I had a stupid ass conversation with Noah today. Here it is:

[3:38:53 PM] Noah: hello again
[3:39:09 PM] Megan Wood: lol, hi
[3:39:23 PM] Noah: I am drinking water
[3:39:30 PM] Megan Wood: good
[3:39:44 PM] Noah: can barely sit up
[3:40:01 PM] Megan Wood: i would still poke you
[3:40:13 PM] Noah: and then I would pin you
[3:40:16 PM] Megan Wood: if only i was a guy that would mean more than just that im an asshole, hehe
[3:40:42 PM] Megan Wood: yeah right, u do not have the energy right now to pin me
[3:40:52 PM] Noah: I would try
[3:41:06 PM | Edited 3:41:17 PM] Noah: propabably try to turn you on to make it easier
[3:41:06 PM] Megan Wood: im sure you would and i would laugh at your efforts
[3:41:26 PM] Megan Wood: im not turn on able at the moment
[3:41:31 PM] Megan Wood: im so over men
[3:41:35 PM] Megan Wood: and penises and sex
[3:41:47 PM] Noah: bet i could try
[3:41:59 PM] Megan Wood: and im sure the vomit smell wouldnt help, haha
[3:42:06 PM] Noah: i would shower
[3:42:09 PM] Megan Wood: anyone could try that doesnt mean anything
[3:42:27 PM] Noah: but I am special
[3:42:33 PM] Megan Wood: how so?
[3:42:45 PM] Noah: just so
[3:43:07 PM] Megan Wood: yeah, special in the head
[3:43:54 PM] Noah: ahhh
[3:44:41 PM] Noah: that is mean
[3:44:57 PM] Megan Wood: yeah, im mean
[3:45:02 PM] Megan Wood: but im joking
[3:45:28 PM] Noah: i know
[3:45:43 PM] Megan Wood: well then why r u getting offended
[3:45:55 PM] Noah: I am not
[3:46:04 PM] Megan Wood: good
[3:46:17 PM] Megan Wood: u called me mean, which made me assume u were hurt
[3:46:19 PM] Megan Wood: u need weed
[3:46:26 PM] Megan Wood: i think that would help your hangover
[3:46:38 PM] Megan Wood: it always helps mine
[3:46:58 PM] Noah: just makes it worse
[3:47:22 PM] Megan Wood: how
[3:48:13 PM] Noah: i don't know
[3:48:51 PM] Megan Wood: hmmm, weird
[4:00:06 PM] Noah: god already a phone call
[4:02:18 PM] Noah: you still with me?
[4:04:50 PM] Noah: no?
[4:04:54 PM] Noah: I have something to ask
[4:17:09 PM] Megan Wood: sorry
[4:17:12 PM] Megan Wood: ask away
[4:20:41 PM] Noah: Are we just not going to talk about what happened?
[4:20:57 PM] Megan Wood: what do you mean?
[4:20:59 PM] Megan Wood: the sex
[4:21:12 PM] Noah: no the donkey punch
[4:21:15 PM] Megan Wood: huh?
[4:21:20 PM] Noah: yes the sex
[4:21:21 PM] Noah: lol
[4:21:28 PM] Megan Wood: oooohhh.. i was very confused
[4:21:37 PM] Megan Wood: does it need to be talked about
[4:22:48 PM] Noah: no it doesn't
[4:23:05 PM] Megan Wood: well then why the question?
[4:23:10 PM] Megan Wood: I dont mind talking about it
[4:23:13 PM] Megan Wood: if you want to
[4:24:58 PM] Noah: I was mainly just curious
[4:25:10 PM] Megan Wood: about?
[4:25:18 PM] Megan Wood: you're being very vague...
[4:25:26 PM] Noah: sorry hold on
[4:26:39 PM] Megan Wood: k
[4:29:29 PM] Noah: I drank a 1/5 last nioght
[4:29:39 PM] Megan Wood: thats a lot
[4:29:43 PM] Megan Wood: good job
[4:29:50 PM] Noah: yea shitty
[4:29:55 PM] Megan Wood: now stop being vague
[4:29:55 PM] Noah: ok anyways
[4:32:04 PM] Noah: I was wondering if it was something that would happen again.
[4:32:24 PM] Megan Wood: i dunno
[4:33:19 PM] Megan Wood: im trying to stay away from random sex where theres no feelings involved, I have been feeling really empty because of it lately
[4:33:38 PM] Megan Wood: so maybe if feelings developed but otherwise, no, probably not
[4:37:16 PM] Megan Wood: no comment?
[4:39:17 PM] Noah: ok, that is ok, it is up to you
[4:39:39 PM] Noah: it isn't like I can force you
[4:39:41 PM] Noah: lol
[4:40:58 PM] Megan Wood: i dont even know why you would want to "im not your type" as maria so kindly decided to tell me and 'she is much hotter than I am' which i agree with but still i feel like you just had sex with me because I was a hole sitting next to you and you could
[4:41:29 PM] Megan Wood: so repeating that just doesnt sound like that great of an idea
[4:42:50 PM] Noah: Do you really listen to maria?
[4:43:07 PM] Megan Wood: shes my best friend, of course i do
[4:43:25 PM] Megan Wood: besides as far as i know shes never lied to me
[4:43:34 PM] Noah: even when she says " "im not your type" as maria so kindly decided to tell me and 'she is much hotter than I am'"
[4:43:49 PM] Megan Wood: yes
[4:44:02 PM] Megan Wood: i have no reason not to
[4:50:23 PM] Noah: ok but you weren't just a hole
[4:50:52 PM] Megan Wood: well ifelt and still feel like i am so...
[4:51:02 PM] Megan Wood: besides its not like you can even say that maria was lying
[4:51:55 PM] Noah: why?
[4:52:10 PM] Megan Wood: was she lying?
[4:55:31 PM] Noah: well ifelt and still feel like i am so...
[4:56:15 PM] Megan Wood: i dunno... i just do
[4:56:20 PM] Megan Wood: because im not your type
[4:56:33 PM] Megan Wood: and im not hot
[4:57:10 PM] Megan Wood: so i really have no idea why it happened except because you're a horny guy
[4:57:44 PM] Noah: all guys are horny and I don't have a type
[4:58:09 PM] Megan Wood: i dont believe you
[5:00:16 PM] Noah: how can I prove it?
[5:04:39 PM] Noah: ?
[5:07:17 PM] Noah: guess i cant?
[5:09:42 PM] Megan Wood: sorry im talking to maria
[5:20:44 PM] Megan Wood: i dont know
[6:13:59 PM] Noah: ok then

Blah... I fucking hate men... Last night, I had that Jon guy over even though I shouldn't have because I was a total mess last night, but he was forceful and agressive so I just gave in because I was feeling vulnerable and needy... Lame. But he turned out to be a total fucking douche bag and now all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. I'm so tired of just being a piece of ass to people... I told him straight up before he came over that sex was not on the table and he still fucking tried. I'm just so angry and hurt and I feel violated and taken advantage of... Part of me just wants to die right now. I'm in love with someone whos not in love with me but wont let me go anyways, I had some random douche stick their penis against my ass for an entire movie last night, I'm overweight, alone and unhappy. I hate my life. I feel so weak and powerless right now. FUCK EVERYONE!!! Maybe getting SMASHED tonight will help? I know it won't but I kinda want to do it anyways...

Ugh... I dont want to talk to him...

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 23:42:05 GMT

I'm terrified about talking to Mark and I'm super sad. I don't want to never talk to him again, but then at the same time I know this is for the best. I really DO need to rid my life of all the fuck heads that care less about me then I care about them. I seem to have way too many of them. Which is kinda normal for me, I'm aware of the fact that I have a really big heart, but when things are SUPER off kilter then its time to get rid of ppl. Things are off kilter with pretty much every guy in my life right now and I'm sick and tired of being jerked around by fuck heads. I'm tired of letting myself feel bad about myself because of them. At the moment I'm in the process of getting rid of Mark and maybe even Chris. I IMed him today asking if he was over things with me or not because I dont want to waste my time on him if he is. This was my IM conversation with him:

mego8787 (3:19:36 PM): are you over hanging out with and talking to me? I would like to stop bothering you if you are... I wont be offended or anything, that happens, i just want to know

Auto Response from vacantheart85 (3:23:48 PM): honestly im not. im just over worked, over stressed, over relationships

vacantheart85 (3:23:55 PM): so ive been laying low

vacantheart85 (3:24:09 PM): trying to take time to myself, since i havnt really had that since she got outa surgery

mego8787 (3:24:38 PM): i actually kinda figured that that was the case, but i wanted to make sure

vacantheart85 (3:24:54 PM): sorry i didnt say anything to you, i usualy just deal with things and move on. im not one to blurt out my fustrations with life

mego8787 (3:25:17 PM): thats totally understandable im exactly the same way unless you ask

mego8787 (3:25:31 PM): and even then its kinda hard to get things out of me

mego8787 (3:25:40 PM): i dont like to rely on ppl

mego8787 (3:26:39 PM): why r u over relationships?

vacantheart85 (3:27:09 PM): i just hate being relied on

mego8787 (3:27:20 PM): haha, yeah me too

vacantheart85 (3:27:21 PM): id rather have no one depending on me

mego8787 (3:27:53 PM): you probably feel guilty for feeling that way too, which makes it worse

vacantheart85 (3:28:06 PM): hehe yea

mego8787 (3:28:18 PM): i apparently know how you feel

mego8787 (3:29:18 PM): i ge the same way when im stressed

This conversation is actually happening right now. I like him. He and I have a lot in common. It's kinda funny though because I know if I had met him in any other point in my life I NEVER would have been able to make ANYTHING work with him. Mark definitely taught me patience and I've grown up SO much since Brian. I have this sort of amazing ability to just go with the flow with guys now. I believe that if something is meant to happen then it will so I pretty much lay low and let them happen if they're gonna happen.

I've been thinking about something Maria told me the other day, she said the only way shes been able to cope with not being able to ever be with Kevin is that she tries to date people that remind her of him. She told me that because she thinks that it'll be easier for me to get over Mark if I try to date someone that reminds me of him. So that conversation led me to think about all the men in my life and why I dated or fucked them. Mark was an anomaly. The only person he reminded me of was my dad. Although there were some random things that reminded me of Brian, but only a few things. He was pretty much unique. This new guy, Chris, he reminds me a lot of Brian, but a better, hotter, better in bed, more mature Brian, which is weird. I usually steer clear of emotional men lately and since Brian, but he's more like me then he is like brian in the emotional sense. He's open and he knows how he's feeling from moment to moment. It's like a breath of fresh air for me. I've never been involved with anyone that could tell me how they were feeling openly and honestly from moment to moment. There is much potential there for me to fall for him, which is scary. I'm glad things are moving slowly so to speak. I'm not sure he and I will ever turn into anything. At this point I'm ok with things no matter how they go. Actually, now that I think about it, Chris is a strange mix between Brenden and Brian, but as far as I know he doesnt have much of the bad shit that they had. He has the sex drive and skills that Brenden had, also the dark, experienced sexual side that I hella dug about Brenden. Also, he's got the passion and openess that he had. Brenden was always good at articulating his emotions and talking to me about mine. Chris is the same way. He's like brian in that he writes poetry, although he's better than Brian was and that he has can be emo like brian is sometimes. Also the dorky nerdiness is SO brian. All in all, I'd say its a rather good mix. Oh and since we're on the subject of men, now that i think about it Mark sometimes reminded me of brenden or Mitchell with the bantering that we did and the ego bullshit. Brenden and Mitchell both did the bantering and the ego was totally a brenden thing. It's weird to analyze this shit and break someone down into exes...

Anyway, moving on... I have a new man lately. His name is Jon and I went to high school and youth group with him. Although in hs he was very much out of my league and I doubt he ever would have looked twice at me. He was older than me and he was a jock. I was a dorky, sheltered weirdo, ha. It's strange that he's trying to hang out with me now... It makes me seriously question his motives... He was seen as quite the player back in hs. I just don't know what he would want with me. Maybe he thinks I look like I did in hs... But then again, he's facebook friends with me so if he's looked at my pics then he would know that I've gained hella weight. I'm just worried. I shouldn't be though. I'm not really losing anything if he ends up not liking me after we hang out. This just seems different because even in hs I thought I was below him. It seems like now I would definitely be below him... The weight thing really sucks for my confidence. I just dont get why he would want to talk to me... He's probably just looking for an easy lay. Typical man.

Alright, so there's all my guy situations at the moment... It's nice to be writing again. I'm gonna need it when Maria is in boot camp. Man, I'm so sad about that. I played a sappy song for her today because I'm retarded. It was 'save tonight' by eagle eye cherry. It was pretty funny. I'm glad it's the weekend. I plan to get some shit done today. Go running, shower, clean room, do laundry, cook and pay my bills and then smoke weed and relax whilst watching movies. I may even hang with Jon tonight... Who knows... Then tomorrow I will probably finish whatever needs finishing, get my hair cut maybe buy running shoes and black hair dye. Yeah, I'm going black for Halloween. I think it'll be fun. After the shopping then I'm gonna do whatever until 9 and then I'm going bar hopping with hella friends. It should be fun. Oh and at some point I have to fit in the talk with mark... I should probably try to do it today, but I'm scared... If I dont have time today, I can always do it on sunday... I should definitely not call him today... I'm not in the mindset to be able to deal with it today. I'd rather be happy, go running and get my shit done then hang out with a boy. But then again, I kind of just want to be done with it... I dunno. It sucks... Just thinking about calling him gives me butterflies in my tummy because im so nervous about talking to him. I fucking hate that douche. End of story. I want this shit to be over.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:54:39 GMT

So, maria goes to boot camp on Monday. I'm not really sure how I'm gonna survive without her... especially now that I'm getting rid of mark too. She's the best best friend I've had since ruthie so, well, ever... But at least I know that she'll be happy. I need to find a replacement friend until she gets home. I guess in reality it'll only be three weeks and then I get to talk to her again and then it'll be another three weeks, but I'm realizing that no matter how much i try to deny it, I'm a needy person. I need someone to bounce things off of or I go insane. I really hope she moves back home sometime in the near future. We have so much fun together and I really do believe that we hold each other up. For the next three weeks I'm gonna have to force myself to either lean on other people or write, a LOT. And I NEED to get out of the house more!

Life has still been pretty shitty in Megan land, but I'm slowly but surely making a dent on all the things that I need to do. I've dealt with my emaotional shit, I've cleaned my room, I went grocery shopping and I paid mom. Now I just need to cook some of my food, pay my bills, start running again and return all my emails from all my sites. Also, it would be cool to download music, start my christmas list, put shit up on my walls, get out of the house and do art. If I could get all that shit done you have no idea how much saner I would feel. It would be amazing. So, when i wake up today I'm gonna tackle the bills and perhaps I'll cook? Bottom line is I want to be doing more with my life. I know I wouldnt be so fucked up right now if I was.

Also, I feel like I'm putting my life on hold and not allowing myself to DO anything or reach out to anyone until I finish my shit. When i finish my shit then I can hang out with people again and make new online and perhaps later regular friends. I still want to post that add on craigslist about finding a dog walking friend. i need to make new friends and meet new people. I'm definitely going back to school next semester and this semester I'm really going to try to expand my circle and my experiences. But I think I need to work on my confidence before this will be possible and running will help me work on that. So bottom line is I NEED TO GET MY SHIT DONE!!!! Get er done!!

Getting rid of some garbage

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:07:37 GMT

So I texted mark today saying this, "This may seem strange, but I need to talk to you about something. Can you try to find time to call me sometime this weekend? Its kind of important..."

This is what I would like to tell him.

I can't do the friendship thing with you anymore. I tried. I tried REALLY fucking hard to make it work with you, because I care really deeply about you and I didn't and still don't want to have to lose you completely, but this just isn't working. I've slowly but surely been coming to the realization that staying friends with you is killing me for SO many reasons. There are SO many things that you could have or should have dealt with or done better, but for whatever reason you didnt and it's for those reasons that I can't do this anymore.

This is probably the last time that I'll talk to you for a long time so I'd like to get some things off my chest. And please don't take any of this the wrong way. My intention is NOT and will never be to be spiteful or to intentionally hurt you. I love you and I know a part of me always will. I've accepted that depsite the fact that it sometimes makes me hate myself. All I want is for you to be happy Mark which is why I put up with so much that I never should have put up with from you. So these are the reasons that trying to be your friend is killing me.

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but you CRUSHED me and not just once either. You continuously crush me. You crushed me when we were together and you were incapable of being emotional or making any decisions regarding us, you crushed me when you convinced me to get back together with you only to break up with me two months later. you crushed me with the breakup, you crushed me with the horrible way you dealt with all the Manda bullshit, and lastly you crushed me when you fought to stay friends with me even though you never intended to play the role.

Mark, I trusted you. I feel like this entire time you have knowingly led me to believe whatever the fuck you want me to believe. I don't know why you couldn't have and still can't just be yourself with anyone, let alone me. That's all I've ever wanted from you and for the record, it would have been enough for me. If you don't believe that then you have no idea how much I cared about you. All the bullshit, the lies, the pretending and the manipulation, all of it was, and still is unnecessary and hurtful.

I'm always going to want more from you than you are willing or able to give to me. At least as long as I'm still in love with you I'm always going to read too much into what you say and I'm always going to wonder if we could ever have a chance again. I'm always going to care about you more than you more than you care about me and you will always be more important to me than I am to you.

Theres too much that you can, do, and have always hid from me. I cant be friends with someone I can't trust. After all the bullshit that we've been through the continuous lying and manipulation has finally become too much for me to bear.

You aren't now and never were a very good friend to me or any of your other friends. Talking to someone for half and hour once a week, if that is NOT being a good friend or being there for someone. Perhaps if you learn that someday you won't feel as alone as you seem to always feel, whether you're willing to admit it or not.

Everything that has occured with Manda has been horribly painful to me. The way that you acted like YOU were the victim, the way that you think that you did nothing wrong with that situation. The way that you still to this day think that the way that you dealt with her bitchy drama stupidity was ok. It wasn't and it never will be. I did NOT deserve what she did to me and I especially did not deserve how you treated me with regards to that. If you really cared about whether I was hurting over it or not you never would have deleted me.

And lastly, I know damn well that you know and have known for some time how badly you have hurt me yet never once have you ever even come CLOSE to an apology for ANYTHING that you have done to me. If you were really the friend that you claim to be then that would have been the first thing that you did. Even Maria, whom you consider to be the devil has attempted numerous times to apologize to Zach, so in my eyes, you have done a worse injustice to me then she has to him. At least Maria accepts the terrible things that she does and doesnt try manipulate the entire world into thinking that she has and never will do anything wrong. Perhaps we could have salvaged this friendship if you had been able to swallow your pride for long enough to accept the fact that you hurt me and apologize for the things that you have done. But obviously my friendship has never been worth enough for you to be willing to do that.

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 14:10:35 GMT

I have about twenty minutes before I leave this morning. I just thought I would write for a second. Things have not been too great in Megan land lately. I've been really depressed and unable to function. I've come to the conclusion that I have too many disfunctional man situations going on at the moment. Although, I highly doubt I would have the strength to rid myself of all of them or even some of them. Besides, I get really lonely and bored a lot, not that that's an excuse to continuously allow myself to hurt, but we all know I've never had much strength when it comes to the penises, especially ones that either I love or that are very good in bed. Blah, I'm fucking terrible and I know it, but at least I'm not as terrible as some of my friends are, i.e, maria and reina, not that that's saying much or that that makes it any better. There's always going to be someone who's doing worse and better than I am, so it's pointless to compare myself to others as a way of justifying my own stupidity.

Anyway, I was supposed to be productive for the last month, but especially this weekend, but for some reason I couldn't remove myself from my bed for long enough to do ANYTHING. I slept over 14 hours yesterday and then I took a nap before work AND at work. My body literally hurts from staying in bed for so long. I have no idea why I didnt just get up, but I was SO tired... I know its depression, but I'm too fucking stubborn to admit to that, at least not as a diagnosis of sorts. Everyone gets depressed sometimes, that doesn't mean I AM depressed... I know I should see a therapist, I've known it for awhile, but I hate having to talk about myself and deal with all the SHIT. I'm not sure if I have the strength. I think I may put, get a therapist onto my to-do list when I get my benefits, but I'm still not sure. I know it couldn't hurt, but it just sounds so difficult. I HATE crying in front of strangers, or even ppl I know. I dont like ppl knowing how weak I am, or even that I am weak or hurting at all. I know it's their job to see the pain, but its really hard. Another reason that I know therapy would be good for me is because I've come to the conclusion that I'm a much healthier person emotionally when I have someone holding me accountable for my actions, especially when they're self-sabatoging actions. Although I know this is true, I still HATE being held accountable. In the beginning it just hurts me MORE than I was hurting before, which seems counter productive even though in reality I know its not. Blah. Ok, I should go. I'm actually going to attempt to be productive today. I'm going grocery shopping right now and if I have the emotional energy when I get home, which in reality I probably wont, knowing me, then I will tackle the bills I havent paid for a month. All of which are late. Great... I suck... I'll write again later this week. I still have a lot I need to get out of my system and vent about. I still havent found the strength to tackle the mark topic yet... Sometime soon... Til next time.

Writer's Block: Cyberstalking

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 11:56:21 GMT

Do you keep tabs on ex-boyfriends and -girlfriends over social networking sites? Do you think it's emotionally healthy or dangerous? Amusing or painful?

View 1036 Answers

I've never had the opportunity to cyber stalk an ex. All of my exes have always deleted me before I've had the chance, but in all reality I think this is a good thing. It hurts a lot to keep tabs on or to stay friends with exes, especially if they broke up with you. Besides, it's definitely NOT emotionally healthy to obsess over what an ex is doing with their lives. Chances are if you're stalking them online you're more than likely going to find out things that either hurt you or that you dont want to know in the first place, so of course it's healthier to avoid the whole stalking thing altogether. But, unfortunately that doesnt always mean we're going to do that...It's much too tempting...

It's Rainin' Men! Halleluia! It's Rainin' Men! Amen!

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 16:53:16 GMT

Foreword: I MAY have smoked weed before writing today, so forgive me if things are a little more confusing than they usually are... LOL.

Life has definitely been interesting lately (when has MY life ever not been, though?) I haven't decided yet if I'm enjoying the ride or not. So, this weekend was fucking crazy, and not in the, I did way too many drugs, I'm hungover and did some stupid shit kinda way. No. More in the, I did what, with who, why, way. NOT so good... So, this is what happened:

Friday

I slept the majority of the day (as usual, because I work nights) and then I woke up to a text from my mom saying that we were having a mandatory family meeting. Lovely... Well, needless to say that did NOT go well. I was, however the only one of the chill ens to not cry during the meeting, so yeah, score one for me, I guess? But either way it was an annoying, dramatic, irritating way to start my weekend off. After the meeting I somehow convinced Beccah to go running with me in which I totally tripped over the dog and TUMBLED onto the cement. That was NOT one of my most graceful moments, nor was it very much fun, actually... After that I went to the store, bought some alcohol and went to my friend, noah's house. (Btw, this is a strictly platonic, awkward, slightly attractive friend that I've kinda known for awhile, but I've only been talking to and hanging out with him for about a month or so) because we had plans to drink together because he was house sitting and I kind of invited myself over. Long story short I hung out with him, got drunk with him, things got awkward and then we fucked... Terrible decision, but whatever, it happened...

Saturday

Ok, so after the sex (which happened sat morning around 6ish) Noah passed out and I tried to fall asleep as well, but when I couldn't (because of the awkwardness) I booked it out of there. I was super hungover so I slept on and off til 6:30pm ish and when I woke up I realized that Chris(fuck buddy in the open relationship) had just gotten off work and that we had plans for tonight. Whoops! I wanted to see him really bad but I felt really shitty about sleeping with Noah the night before... And of course, beause Noah is a guy and therefore a douche by the time I woke up in the afternoon my entire group of friends knew that Noah and I had slept together. (That'll teach me to date someone that's in my group of friends) But either way, I was super irritated with him because he had told me before we slept together that he wouldn't tell anyone, so waking up to my phone ringing off the hook with friends wanting details about my fucking scandalous sex life was NOT a welcome event.

Needless to say I woke up in a bad mood, but then I realized I had plans with chris and I was suddenly in a better mood. Chris came over around 8 and stayed til midnightish and the sex was AMAZING. Even better than the first time, AND we had sex twice, because once just wasnt enough. ;) God, the sex with him is just amazing. I feel like I'm FINALLY sleeping with someone who can match my passion, my lust and that can keep up with me. Besides, his penis is a great size and it's beautiful! Also, he teases and he digs it when I tease him back. You have NO idea how great this is for me! And to top it off, he's kind of adorable and sweet. (He boops my nose, it's too fucking cute.)

Ok, now to ADD to this mess of scandal, my mother heard me fucking Chris and made sure to text me while I was still having sex with him and then to make matters worse as I was walking him out she (of course) had to say something about this being HER house and blah blah blah while he was standing right there. Also she used my middle name at one point, which of course he heard and later used during the night (thanks, mom) Adding to the scandal, after chris left I was still so wound up that I decided to see if noah was awake still. Don't ask me why I did this, but I just did. I'm a dumbass, I know. But either way, I did, and he was, so I went over there to get the rest of my alcohol and I made us omelets. It was a completely awkward experience that I SHOULD have been smart enough to avoid, but I wasnt. So, while I was making omelets, Noah questioned me about Chris, which was super fucking uncomfortable, but not even the worst part of going over there. Before I left noah decided to give me shit for having slept with two guys in 12 hours, which isn't true btw, it was more like 16 hours, thank you very much. I would have been ok with the shit giving if he hadnt followed it up with, wanna make it three followed by a lifted eyebrow and a smirk. Ugh! No, thank you! and I left... This weekend was fucking scandal!

Anyway, good sex and severe awkwardness aside this weekend was intense and I really don't want it to happen again, mostly just cuz I'm not into Noah (he kisses like a slobbery bearded dragon) but also because sleeping with two different guys in one 24 hour period of time is just too skanky and awkward for me. But hey all of these experiences are teaching me things, so i don't regret them. I'm learning a lot about myself and what I want from life and men n shit. It's been bittersweet I suppose....

I'll probably write again soon because I had another rather intense conversation with mark yesterday that left me in tears (because of loneliness and confusion more than because of him causing me pain directly) I just think it would be healthy to vent about the crazy confusing situation I'm in with that douche. And perhaps so more venting will happen about all the other douches in my life. Fucking men, man!

Feeling fuckin emo today

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 00:59:49 GMT

It's been awhile since I let myself be emotional enough to write in this thing. A lot has changed since the last entry and I just don't have the energy to put all the letters and shit in my journal to keep this thing updated. I wish I did though. This thing would be really cool if I put all my letters from ppl in it. I have an anonymous fan that commented on my last journal entry wondering if I would ever write again. He or she said that they enjoyed reading my entries, which seems weird to me. I'm not sure if I wasnt me if I would like reading my journal or not. All my entries seem so long winded. I probably wouldn't have the patience for it.

Ok, so this update is for my one anonymous fan. This is what has been going on in my life since my last entry. So, since that last entry Mark and I broke up (I did the breaking) because I got tired of his indecisive bull shit. This happened the beginning of june. Here is my email to him after I broke up with him and then afterwards there is a copy of his email to me in response.

Megan Wood May 29 at 2:58am

so, I've been very numb the last couple of days, but I feel like I've had to be. I've been trying to put some distance between us so I can eventually let go of you and we can both can move on. I've been acting like im super happy with everything, but I'm not at all. The truth is, I'm actually and suprisingly really, really upset. Apparently breaking up doesn't change the fact that I love you... I kind of stupidly assumed that it would. This whole thing just sucks. It's obvious that being together doing the long distance thing doesn't work, but it kinda seems like together or not I don't want to be with anyone else or even try to be, so I don't really know what to do at this point... None of this even makes any sense to me anymore. It seemed so logical to break up. It doesn't seem possible to make it work, but then again I sincerely believe that if the circumstances were different, we'd still be together right now. I just cant help but feel like we're coping out here, like perhaps there could be another solution? I'm not asking you to get back together with me mark because honestly, I'm not sure if I can do the long distance thing right now in my life. I'm really terrified that if I tried to I would end up doing something that you couldn't forgive me for. I couldn't live with myself if I did that. I just feel like at this point in my life I really need to find myself and live my life for me. If that road happens to lead me towards temptation, then at the end of the day, I want to know that I made my decision because I wanted to not because I was afraid I would lose you if I didn't. It's not like I want to sleep with a whole bunch of people in order to find myself or anything, I just know that with you 3000 miles away and busy all the time its going to be hard to not at the very least be tempted. I don't want to end up letting you down or hurting you because I wasn't strong enough to be alone. You deserve much better than that. I'm thinking that perhaps a better solution would be to let me fly out and see you when you're done with your hellish duty schedule. Then we could see where we stand with things. I dunno... Maybe I'm being stupid. Maybe you don't even want to be with me anymore, but all I know is that I love you and when we lived in the same state, i was happy, really fucking happy. Whether it makes sense or not, that's how I feel. Please write me back and let me know how you feel aout all this shit. I know all of this is very unexpected and intense, but please try. I kinda just bared my soul to you, so it'd be nice to get some feedback about it.

I love you, mark.

~Megan

Mark TerrillMay 29 at 7:00pm Report

Well here goes...and before I let my guard down I would really like what is written between us, to stay between us...at least this time. I know that you feel the need to take advice from all angles and let them influence your decisions but if you mean what you wrote above then it can only be between you and me. If you feel that you can't keep everything mono-e-mono, please respect me enough to stop reading right now and delete this message.

With that said, I hope you seem to think that you breaking up with me was perfectly ok in my world, and I saw all your points and could respect them, but the fact is I'm not. The past few days have been extremely depressing and has taken quite a bit out of me to keep my feelings at bey. I know that may sound ridiculous, but it's the truth. As it stands my life, my personality, and my emotions just seem unbalanced in a way I can't describe. You've always said that you would change me....and right now, at this moment, it seems like you've succeeded.

Maybe it took the reality of loosing you to realize it, but, the simple fact remains that I don't think I can live a good life completely alone anymore, and to me this foreign, and quite frankly terrifying, feeling is setting in a bit harder than I ever thought it would.

To be honest I thought that 3000 miles would make it easier to forget and detach everything from the California portion of my life, but somehow it's not that easy anymore....you seem to have wiggled your way into a part of me that has been shut off for years, and honestly it felt like an intrusion....that is...until it was gone. Now I really just feel like an empty shell of a person...but I guess that's what I was used to prior to you, and, I am willing to deal with that.

Anyways, I really don't want to sound like I'm clawing at your door trying to get you back.....I'm really not. You've decided that you can't be happy with me and that is ok. I completely understand your reasoning on the emotional level.

However what I'm not understanding, is why you are so terrified of you hurting me.....I am replaceable, and if you find someone better than me than by all means go for it. After all we are broken up, nothing you do should have an affect on me....at least in your mind.

(But just let me put it out there, if you hookup with someone this weekend....I am....going to be completely devastated)

Though, if you have your heart set on me, than I am completely focused on you. Even with all this bullshit the past few days, I really cannot see you doing anything that would push me away in such a fashion as to not want to be with you....or see you...or be any part of your life.

If you feel you can hold off "temptation" for the time being and want to visit, I am completely ok with that and welcome it. We really didn't have the time in Cali to understand each other in a non-restricted environment. But I think it might be different down here. ( Like you've been telling me all along.....yeah, yeah) I know the long distance thing is tough, and it didn't really work out, but I can't really help but feel that we complete each other in some of the deepest and most important ways.

It may have taken a while...and a lot of loss for me to realize that....but it's undeniably the way I feel.

It seems to me it's the way you feel too, and I really hope it is, because some how you've convinced this 'emotional brick wall' to love you.

Errr... Ok so that was months and months ago... After Mark wrote me this letter we decided to get back together. Everything went well for awhile with him too... In July he decided to buy me a plane ticket to come out and see him for my birthday. I visited him for a week and pretty much the entire time he was working. It sucked. When I got home from FL Mark broke up wth me because 'he didn't feel the same way about me that he did before'. Total bullshit, but if thats the way he feels then who am I to try to stop him. I'm still really upset at him for the way things happened. I wish he had just let us stay broken up the first time. It would have hurt a lot less that way.

Ok, so I did exactly take the breakup well... at all. Shortly after he and I broke up I had a weird fling thing with a 19yo... THAT was a terrible idea! Note to self: do NOT date youngins anymore. After that I met another guy named Rafiki Abu (a Disney baboon and a monkey) and I went to karaoke with him and a friend of his. That was also a disaster. Nowadays, I've been hanging out with this guy that is in an open relationship with this other chick that hes been with for over 2 years. I suppose it's mostly just a fuck buddy thing, but unfortunately I tend to be pretty bad about keeping myself from getting attached to ppl I sleep with. I'm trying really hard to stay detached and I'm not doing terrible, but I'm really not sure if this is a good thing or not. Everyone who I talk to about this situation has a different opinion about things, but for the most part everyone is telling me to steer clear of all of it. Everyone is worried and positive that I'm going to get hurt, AGAIN... I probably will, but I just don't know how to protect myself from it. Either that or I'm too fucking stupid and stubborn to bother trying. Besides, the sex is really good and for the most part I feel comfortable with him. I suppose we'll have to see how things go.

On another note I'm still hopelessly in love with Mark and no matter how much I try to deny this fact it's still true and its still terribly painful. I act like I'm over him to everyone, and I want to be, but I'm just not... But maybe I'm just confusd and lonely and hurt and he's the man in my life that knows me the best right now so I just want to fill that void...? I don't know. Honestly, I don't. I know that if he were here I would still want to sleep with him, even though the sex was never all that great... And i know that I still care about him a great deal, but who knows if it's me being in love with him still or if it's just something else entirely. I just know that I can't think of anyone else I'd rather talk to or be around then him. Whether thats dumb or not its the truth. But maybe I just like him and shit because I like knowing that someone out there knows me and cares about me even if its no longer in the way that i want him to. Blah, anyway... I think I'm done being emo for today. I'll try to keep writing in this thingy more often from now on.

Long Distance Fights

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 02:04:21 GMT

So, here's the lastest update about my life and my drama. These are a few letters mark and I have written to each other while trying to cop with the distance and the rather huge decision we're in the process of trying to make at the moment. The first letter is from me to him right after I got home from GA. The second one is from him to me after two days of us fighting about the moving thing and after 2 days of him not saying anythng to me at all. The last one is my response to his letter. I really hope we get through all this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey you,

I'm being a stalker like I told you I would be, ha. You'll get used to my stalkerish ways eventually I'm sure. So... I've been thinkin a lot about Florida and there are a few things I want to address. We've kind of barely talked about the whole me moving there idea and that makes me a little nervous. I just want to get everything out in the open so I know where things stand, ya know? I just want to make sure that you really DO want me to move there with you because I dont want to start telling people I'm going to move there and start planning for it if you're not at least 90% sure that you want this. And please don't give me the lecture about how it might be difficult or expensive for me and blah, blah, blah. If you think I haven't considered all of that you are very wrong. I have considered everything possible and I STILL want to move to FL to be with you, no matter how hard it will be. I'm miserable here and I'm miserable without you. I want this and there isn't a whole lot you can say short of "i don't want you to move with me" that will convince me otherwise. Mark, I'm just worried because I'm not sure if YOU have considered everything. I don't know what you want and I especially don't know what your worries are. I mean, you've never lived with a girl before. Granted, we may not end up living together, but what if we do? Are you ready to live with me? I'm not at all trying to argue with you about this or discourage you, I just want to know where you stand before I start planning things out. We kinda need to talk about this... I know you're waiting to have this conversation until you figure out where you're going to live, but I'm not exactly that patient AND I don't really think it makes any sense to wait that long, especially considering I want to move there no matter where you end up living... I just need to make sure you've thought this through and you're sure about it because at this point I have no idea how you feel about it.

So, here's how I feel about it: I'm worried that you may not want it as much as I do and therefore that will create problems right off the bat, I'm worried about living with a guy again because of how much of a disaster it was the last and only time I've ever done it, and I'm plain just worried that living together so soon in the relationship will kill what we already have or that I will just plain and simply scare you off somehow...

I have a lot of worries, obviously, but a lot of them stem from how badly my last relationship ended and a lot of them stem from the fact that I don't really know how you stand on the issue and if you're worried about these things too. It would be a lot easier to not worry if I knew you wanted this as much as I do, ya know? Honestly, I AM worried about all of these things, but I also have faith that everything will work out as long as we communicate. No matter how scared I am, it doesn't change the fact that I want to be with you in whatever way you think will be best for us.

So, yeah, anyway, that was a little long winded, but I think it needed to be said. So, now we can either talk about this shit on the phone eventually (hopefully when you're sober) or you can write me back. I have no preference. Just think about it and let me know where you stand.

I love you mark and I miss you alot! I hope you're having fun in CT. I can't wait to talk to you again.

Love,

your darling stalker girlfriend

Oh and that shit about finally getting away from those cali hippies? Total bullshit! You know you love us!

One more thing, what do you get when you cross a brown chicken with a brown cow?

**Brown chicken, brown cow**

*I forgot to say it at the airport, so I had to say it here because I was so freakin upset about it.

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Hey,

I guess since I can't get my feelings out over the phone the least I can do is try to get them out here. It's still not going to be easy but hopefully I can get some of the things going through my head out. First off you're right the whole situation facing us really does scare the hell out of me. It doesn't come often that the decisions that I make affect other people more so than they do me, so I kinda feel the need to think of every last consequence before I come to a conclusion. I know that sounds odd, but you have to realize that if something bad happens to me I can completely shut down for a while and let it roll off after a period of time. I know you're not like that and take things to heart a lot more than I do. That is why I have to be absolutely certain things are going to work out before I can be sure on this whole Florida thing.

I know that in the past you have asked if I really really do want this, and I have always skirted the answer. There is a lot in me that wants you to come with me, my feelings for you are strong there is no denying that, however every logical bone in my body is screaming that it's a horrible idea. I keep seeing in my head lots of arguments and tough times that are going push us so far apart it will inevitably be a hollow shell of a relationship, with the only thing holding us together is the fact that we're both stuck in the same place. In the past I've tried to push by brain aside and just listen to the little feeling like thingys but the closer we get to d-day the more these thoughts of negativity take over.

I really don't know why I just can't ignore myself, at this point I really wish I could just shut myself off and go with the flow like normal, but for some reason I can't in this case. Maybe it's the fact that we've known each other for such a short period, or we think in completely opposite ways, or that our lifestyles are just so different. What ever it is something is stopping me from being open to this idea. I know you just want to get down there and start a new life, and I know you want me to be a part of it. It just scares me that someone cares so much about me to give up everything and jump into the unknown, just in the hopes that a immature relationship might work out. I've never had someone who cared that much....heck even my own family wouldn't do that, and I've never cared for someone the way I do for you. All of this is a little daunting to me....and I really don't have the experience in these areas the way that you do.

Maybe I'm just being crazy, and over thinking things, but I think everything is legitimate. Anyways if you feel like calling me after reading this than you can. I will be in and out all day. If you decide not to then I completely understand as well.

-MGT

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Hey,

So first of all, just because I take things to heart more than you do does NOT in any way mean that I don't get over them. You're acting like you're worried that if things go sour with us, I will have nothing and no one and I will never get over it. That just isn't the case, Mark. Also, whether I'm in FL or Cali I will ALWAYS have my same support system. All of my friends and family are very good at phone conversations with me. I'm not going to be as alone as you seem to think I will be. I'm sure keli and I will still talk often and I KNOW I will still stay close with my family. It's just not logical for you to assume that I will fall apart if I get hurt by you or otherwise in FL. I'm not afraid of all this shit Mark, so I don't know why you are... I'm a lot more resilient and I've been through a hell of a lot more SHIT then you give me credit for.

Okay, now to respond to the other part... I'll admit that your thinking and your fears are very logical, but that doesn't mean that I agree with them in any way. Of course, I've thought of all the things you're afraid of before, but I really am not scared that that will happen to us because in my eyes I'd never be STUCK in FL or STUCK with you. Also, I would never stay in a relationship that was just a hollow shell as you have described it. My biggest complaint with all of this is that I think it's fucking stupid and even a bit ridiculous that you would purposely push someone away that you obviously care for a great deal just because something MIGHT happen or COULD go wrong. At some point in your life you're going to have to decide that someone is worth that risk or you're going to end up alone forever...

It just sucks that you're not even giving us a chance. You've already decided that things COULD go horribly wrong so instead of seeing if that WILL happen you're shutting down and pushing me away NOW. Have you even thought about things the other way around? What if we're perfect for each other, we wouldn't have fought at all and we COULD have been amazingly happy together in FL? Would you prefer to never find out if that's the case or not? Don't you think you'd regret letting me fade from your life? There's just no way of ever KNOWING mark. You have to realize that. If you're waiting to decide until you feel 100% certain about this it's NEVER going to happen, I don't even feel that certain and I KNOW I want this. I DO however, think you would regret not trying at all. So what if things don't work out? Isn't better to have failed then to have never tried at all? Maybe I'm just more of an optimist then you are but I happen to believe that we will be just fine. You ARE overthinking things. You just need to relax, have faith and be willing to take that leap with me. I want this and I know you do too, so I really don't understand why you're pushing me away so much and giving up so easily...

I really honestly think things would be easier for you to deal with if you would talk to me. I'm an optimist at heart and I really think I could help you overcome all your doubts and thoughts of negativity if you would just share them with me. This is a big decision for both of us, so I really think it's a decision we need to be making together. We need to talk about all the shit and the worries on both ends so that BOTH of us are confident that this is the right thing to do because at this point I'm not even sure if it is anymore. All of your emotional weirdness has hurt me a lot. If the way you've been treating me for the last couple of days is what I have to look forward to in FL, then please count me out. I really can't move out there if I'm the only one that wants this. I feel like I'm the only that is willing to fight to keep this relationship alive and that's not exactly much of a relationship if you ask me. I understand that you're scared mark, I am too, but are your fears really worth losing me over?

Everything that you're thinking IS legitimitate, I'm not at all trying to convince you that it isn't but it just sucks that you have such little faith in us. I'm tired of always having to convince you that we will be okay or that this is the right decision. Honestly, it's draining me and leaving me broken and with very little faith in us, too... I really don't know what to do anymore mark. Maybe you're right? Maybe everything WILL be terrible and we should just give up now? I Honestly don't believe that, but it hurts too much to have to CONVINCE my boyfriend to want a future with me every fucking time I talk to him... I really can't take it anymore.

I love you Mark, more than anything. You make me SO happy when we're not going through this bullshit. I really do have faith that we could be happy together for a long time. Whether we're an 'immature' relationship as you call it or not I think there are things you can feel about a relationship right from the beginning. I can feel that we could be happy together if you let us. Also, I think that our differences are something that make us stronger, not weaker. I feel like they balance us out and I like that we have so much to learn from each other. Maybe if you stopped thinking so much and started feeling instead you'd be as confident as I am about us? There's always going to be those thoughts of negativity that try to take over and ruin things. I get them too, but you have to know in your heart that you want this. You just have to relax and trust your heart and trust me. I know that you're not good at that mark, but you have to try. I know that you've spent your entire life taking care of everyone else and being self-sufficent and I KNOW that it's easier to be that way, but I can promise you that this WILL be worth it if you can get past the horribly terrified part and let yourself take this leap.

I really hope you figure this shit out or at least let us figure it out together soon because I really miss talking to you. It's been really hard for me to get used to not having you here anymore and us fighting has made that even harder. I just want to get through this so that we can talk again. I really hope that you don't let this be the end for us.

I love you.

~Megan

Strung the FUCK out!!!

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 09:30:23 GMT

I am so fucking out of it right now. I have been running around like a chicken with its head cut off all fucking week. I've been SO freakin' busy its been ridiculous. In the last three days I've only gotten a total of 6 hours of sleep. On wednesday, I stayed up over 24 hours so I could go to mark's graduation and meet his parents, which was fun, btw. His parents are a little uptight, but I enjoyed myself anyway. Mostly I just liked seeing mark in his uniform though and seeing him in general. SO hot!! lol. We've hardly seen each other at all all week and we haven't had sex all week either. It sucks!! I'm HORRIBLY sex deprived... It was torture seeing him in his uniform in my sex deprived state and then not being able to fuck him... I fucking CANNOT wait to get him naked tomorrow night. Yet another reason why tomorrow needs to hurry up and get here.

Anyways, I slept maybe 3 hours after mark's graduation and then I went to work. When I got off work I slept maybe 3 hours again and then got up for marie's wedding which was also very enjoyable. Although, I'm not sure if it would have been so enjoyable if mark hadn't been there... It seems like the more time I spend with him the more time I want to spend with him. I am so head over heels for this man, it's ridiculous. I only hope that he feels as strongly about me as I feel about him. It sucks that he has to move so soon. Especially considering the fact that our relationship is in the lust phase. It's just going to be really hard to want to spend every second with him (the lust phase)and not be able to because of the distance. I almost feel like the long distance thing will keep our relationship forever frozen in this phase because there's no real way for a relationship like that to grow. The distance also sucks because I have no idea if our feelings will change when we start to leave the lust phase or not and we will never really get to find out because the distance keeps us from leaving the this phase. It's almost like the newness will never really fade because of the distance. Although, I'm not really sure if that's a bad thing or not. I'm hoping that the distance will give us a chance to get closer to one another without the complications of sex, the future and life getting in the way. I'm planning to use our phone conversations to try to open him up more. I'm just hoping that I can use our distance as leverage to force him to tell me how strongly (or not strongly) he feels for me. I really want to move to FL to be with him this summer, but I want to use the distance to feel things out first. I want to see how much he misses me. I want to see how hard it is for him to keep in touch with me and actually talk (like in depth conversations)on the phone. I guess I just want to make him work to stay close to me in order to prove that he really wants this. If we do stay close this summer, despite the distance then I'll know that he and our feelings for each other are worth moving for. I just want to have at least a little more confidence that we will stay together for awhile before I move out there. Obviously, my fear is that I'll move all the way out there and then things will immediately fall apart and it will all turn out to be a waste of time and money. That would royally suck. So, I will spend this summer home, saving up money and if by the fall mark and I are still together and happy then I will move then.

So, now back to my twacked out staus...On top of everything else going on today, l've hardly eaten anything at all either. I had breakfast this morning, an energy shot when I woke up, a margarita after the wedding and then a couple of bites of corned beef hash this evening and more energy drink. To top off my completely twacked out feeling I'm now high on vicodin as well, so not only am I delirious from sleep deprivation, I'm also twacked out on energy drinks and vicodin on an empty stomach. To make matters worse I've been so stressed this whole week that today and yesterday I had the shits ALL fucking day. Also, pretty much all week I haven't been able to shut my brain off for long enough to fall asleep. BUT, even though all of this stress and other SHIT has been going on, I've actually had a pretty good and very productive week.

It's kinda fun to be so busy you become delirious from sleep deprivation and plain exhaustion. Also, I'm so fucking excited to finally be leaving tomorrow. This road trip is like my reward for all the shit I've gone through and gotten done this week. After I get off in the morning I get to relax for 5 full days with my man, my best friend, Zach and the open road. I can't wait to just relax and know that everything is taken care of and I don't need to think about anythng while I'm gone. It will be lovely.

On another note, I really AM super twacked out right now. My eyes are all blood shot and hurty from lack of sleep, I'm so strung out on caffeine that I'm shaking from it and yet I'm STILL super tired. So, basically I'm super caffeinated, high from the v's and I'm exhausted from lack of sleep. It's a very weird feeling. I feel so out of it, like my brain is trying to focus, but it just can't for too long. I feel like I'm awake, but asleep at the same time... I feel really strung out. It's like one second I'm all ZING and hyper and then the next I'm zoned out and dur and then the next I'm all relaxed and almost clear headed. It's crazy to go in and out of feelings like that. I'd imagine that I'd feel like this if I was coming down from some sort of intense drug. It's so bad that I have like 8 windows open on my computer right now because the thoughts in my head are really jumbled. I can't seem to focus on one thing for long enough to get it done. I just keep going in and out of thoughts and in and out of consciousness. It's so fucking weird. I just have to get all my shit done tonight and then I can relax. Just a couple more hours to go until freedom. I just have a couple more things to do tonight and then I can eat (finally) and either sleep or watch tv.

Random subject change: Have you ever wondered if you REALLY loved the people you dated or if it was just circumstance that brought you together? I wonder that kind of shit ALL the fucking time with almost every guy I've ever been with. I'm not sure if I've EVER felt like I 'picked' the men I ended up dating. Most often it feels like they were simply the first single guy that crossed my path that was interested in me... I've felt like this ever since I started dating. When I first started dating I seriously DID date pretty much EVERY guy that liked me, but then again dating back then was just holding hands and kissing. Also, back then I DID only date most of them for two months or so. SO maybe I'm wrong. It's not like I've never rejected people that like me, I guess it just feels like I never do because lately all the guys that have liked me I've ended up falling in love with. brenden, brian, mark... I guess I just have to have faith that if I really wasn't in love with them then I would know and I would end things. Maybe I've just gotten lucky. or maybe I just know myself well enough to not flirt with the guys I KNOW I couldn't fall in love with for long enough for them to develop feelings for me. I think THAT is probably the REAL truth, but despite knowing that I can't help but wonder about shit anyways. Maybe I'm just retarded?

I seriously DO feel like a herion addict or something... I'm SO fucking strung out. It's intense. Only 5 more hours til freedom!! Can you tell that I'm excited? I can't wait to hang out with my man for 5 days in a row. :-) Now, I'm going to get back to the shit I should be doing right now.

Random Thoughts for Today

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:00:54 GMT

I haven't written much lately, but mostly because my life has been passing me by at such a fast pace that I haven't had time for much reflection. Last week I stayed in a hotel with mark 2 nights, it was a lot of fun, but the more time I spend away from him the more I notice that my insecurites start to get the best of me and the more I can feel the fear creeping in and getting in the way. Knowing that that happens everytime makes me really scared. I don't want what mark and I have shared together to just fade away like it never happened just because it's suddenly turned into a long distance thing, but I can't help but think that's exactly what's going to happen. I have very strong feelings for mark, but because it's such a new relationship, those feelings are hard to maintain without shit getting in the way. I can't help but think that 2 months was NOT enough time to build enough trust to make it possible for us to maintain a long distance relationship. Also, I think that if I start to pull away from mark when the distance starts to bother me, I really can't see him attempting to stop me, which is what I would need in order to have the confidence to believe that we actually have something worth fighting for. He doesn't seem like the type of person who would fight for much of anything, let alone a relationship... It just sucks to feel like you're staring down the barrel of a doomed relationship from the beginning of it. We've had nothing but things to struggle with since it started and it's not going to get any easier anytime soon. This relationship had horrible timing and I think that might be the ultimate reason why it fails, if it does...

On to a happier subject, I'm meeting the parents either tonight or tomorrow. I'm a little scared although I'm pretty confident that I can be charming. We'll see though. I'm curious to see how he introduces me. I mean, I'm pretty sure they already know I'm his girlfriend, but I'm just curious to see how he treats me around them... It's so weird to be meeting the parents and everything with a boy that I may not even have a future with... It seems pointless. I wish things were easier and more concrete with him...

Actually, lately I've felt pretty out of the loop with everyone and everything that I do. I don't feel like I have a place anymore and I don't know how to find my place. When I was with Brian, I felt like I had a path and a future and I felt confident about that path no matter how many times it changed because I was confident that he would be there right by my side throughout the entire ride, but now? I have no idea where I'm going or with whom or why... It all feels very unfullfilling and I don't know how to make it feel more fulfulling. I keep thinking that if I find the right person that the emptiness will go away, but I'm not sure if it will... I'm not at all saying that I think Mark is the right one, but even thinking about having a future with mark feels empty and meaningless. I don't want to be that girl that follows that boy and watches him fulfill his dreams while hers fall away. Maybe a future with him would feel more meaningful if having one didn't mean leaving my entire life behind? Or maybe it would feel more meaningful if I actually felt like I was right for him... I wish I knew more of what was going on in his head so I was able to feel more confident about what he feels for me. A lot of times I just think I'm his Cali baggage that he will rid himself of when he gets to fl... I know that's highly negative and more than likely not the case, but it's hard not to feel out of place sometimes, or like I'm not right for him. Often times he hangs out with marie and zach when I'm at work or what have you and they ALWAYS drink... It's after times like these that I can't help but wish I was more like marie. More carefree and adventurous. Maybe I'd feel more confident in the relationship if I drank more or if I was more like her. These are all stupid thoughts, I know this, but I also know they are natural and there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. I just wish he would talk to me more about shit so I could feel better about some of these random thoughts I have...

I'm Feeling Hella Good So Let's Just Keep on Dancin'!!

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 12:16:52 GMT

Do you have a laptop?
yup, im usin it right now.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
no, not at all. I wear everything I'm feeling on my face. I'm transparent if you care enough to look.

Are you proud of who you are?
uh, not really. I have a lot of work to do before I will become someone I can be proud of.

If you could be part of a family on tv, what family would you choose?
The Leary's from Dawson's Creek. They're a very cute family.

Do you ever get texts from people whom you shouldn't?
Probably, but its been awhile since I did. I've been an obedient girlfriend so far.

Have you ever been the object of someone's affection, when they were 'taken'?
I dont think so, no. I dont flirt with people who are taken and therefore I could not be "the object of their affection".

What color is the shirt you're wearing?
black

Do too many people say things they don't mean?
Definitely. It irritates me.

Does it bother you when people lie to spare you 'heartache'?
yes, I fucking hate that bullshit because in the end it doesn't 'spare' anything. It makes it worse and harder to deal with the longer they try to 'spare' me.

If your bestfriend hooked up with your crush, would you be bothered?
definitely. that man is mine... betch.

Have you had to deal with a lot of drama in your life?
yes, but people could argue that that's because I'm a drama queen, although I would disagree, of course. I think perhaps I am attracted to and I attract intense people, but I in no way enjoy dealing with drama.

How long has your life been?
21 years and counting. I love being 21 too, btw!

What would you do if someone, engaged, hit on you?
I'd be flattered, but I probably wouldn't do anything with them. Too much drama. It might be a kinda cool one night stand story though if I knew i wouldn't see him again...

Do you believe someone can be loyal to their loved one, until death?
yes I do, I just think it takes time to find that person that you're willing to be loyal to until death.

Do we 'say too much and feel too little'?
some people do yes, but I feel like the majority of the people I surround myself with do not do that or at least I'd like to believe that about them.

Have you ever had a black eye?
no, but I think it might be fun to get into a big enough fight to get one someday.

Do you laugh at jokes that no one else find funny?
definitely. What do you get when you cross a brown chicken with a brown cow is one of my favorites that no one else laughs at. I LOVE that joke!

Are you unique?
somedays I think so and somedays, not so much. But I suppose I believe that everyone is unique in their own way, so yes, I guess I am.

Do you consider crying a weakness?
No way. Being able to allow yourself to cry and be that vulnerable shows incredible strength and bravery because it means you're allowing yourself to feel all the gross emotions that no one wants to deal with.

Are you outspoken?
most of the time yes.

Do you defend yourself, or get walked on?
I'd say it really depends on the person and the situation. I try not to allow myself to get walked on but certain people, like family, and brian for some reason, can walk all over me and I wont do a thing about it, but with the majority of people I try to defend myself.

Do you like art?
yes, I LOVE it. It's an awesome release for me.

Are you an "outdoorsy" type?
yeah, most of the time I am which is one of the main reasons I really miss working day shift hours. I miss spending the entire day on my days off outside...

Does silence help you relax?
sometimes, but music is usually better at it then silence is.

If you could save the country from poverty, would you?
definitely. poverty sucks.

Would you be willing to give a homeless child the clothes off your back?
yes if it came down to that I would.

Would you sacrifice your dreams, to help someone else reach theirs?
I might for a short period of time, if I needed to.

Are you a peacekeeper, or antagonizer?
I can be both, but usually I lean towards peacemaker, although with marie I'm a TOTAL fucking antagonizer! It's horrible.

When you fight, are you usually right?
I'd say it's about 50/50, but I usually THINK I'm right 100% of the time.

Ever wished you were alive when there were dinosaurs?
kinda, but just to see them, not to get eaten by them. besides, life seems like it was so much simpler in the cave man days. All I'd have to worry about is survival and procreation, none of this damn global warming, poverty and overpopulation bullshit to worry about.

Are you close with your family?
kinda. I'm a lot closer right now then I was this time last year. I really love my sisters. I feel very lucky to have siblings even though its complicated and its a pain in the ass some times.

In ten years, looking back will you be proud of who you are?
I don't know. I think I'll be glad that I let myself experience things and experiment with certain aspects of life, but I'm not sure if I'll necessarily be PROUD of who I am right now. I really don't consider myself successful at all nor do I feel like I'm 'on the road' to success, so I'm really not sure if I will be or not. It's hard to say because I really am happy with the life I am choosing to lead, but I'm not at all successful, so I guess I'll just have to wait ten years and see if I am or not.

Do you wear glasses?
nope, I have pretty good vision still, thank god. glasses seem like such a pain in the arse.

Do you think before you act in serious situations?
most of the time yes, but sometimes I just react impulsively. I tend to be a very emotional, impulsive person, even in serious situations, but I don't necessarily think that that's a bad trait to have. I feel lucky to be so in touch with my emotions despite how hard society tries to convince us to be numb little worker bees.

Ever done something you knew was wrong, and kept doing it anyway?
well duh. it's the fact that its 'wrong' that makes it so much more fun.

If someone talks about your bestfriend, do you stop them?
fuck yes! nobody talks shit about my friends to me. that shit is bullshit and I don't tolerate it.

Do you believe we "live and learn"?
yes, or at least I believe I do.

Do you think we have to work for happiness?
yes, definitely, but that's what makes being happy so great. if we didn't have to work for it I don't think it would feel as good when we finally reached it.

Are you an optimist?
yes, usually, but I still have my pessimistic days.

Do you believe in pastlives?
not really no, but it's a very cool concept. I wish I did and sometimes i think I do. I know when I meet certain people it feels like I have met them before and that I was meant to meet them again. That feeling kind of has a past life feel to it.

Are you religious?
no, but i still like the idea of religion and youth group. I guess I just wish that it wasn't so strict and that it wasn't a reason for war.

Are you superstitious?
not really no, but there are still certain things that bug me, like black cats and breaking mirrors and such. I also still think certain things are lucky, even though I dont consider myself superstitious.

Ever wanted something you knew you'd never have?
of course. who hasn't? I want a million dollars and a new car. I want brian and joel to care if I'm alive or not. I want emma to still have her tail even though her stubb is kinda cute. I want a lot of things I can't or won't ever have.

Are pick-up lines pathetic?
yes, but they're so very entertaining anyways.

I Skipped my English Class :Today

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 01:02:38 GMT

It’s all fear. Everyone knows that right? I feel like everything I do in my life, I do out of fear. The email that I sent mark today was about fear. The 3 page bitchy email I sent Brian 2 months ago was about fear. It’s all fear. Fear of losing someone, fear of getting hurt, fear of falling, fear of failure, just plain fear. It’s horrible and debilitating and awful. I wish I wasn’t so afraid. I wish I could just sit back and let things happen and hope for the best, but I can’t. I’m too afraid of what might happen if I do. All the what ifs start swimming around in my head so fast that one day I just can’t take it anymore and I take action. I lash out. I cut ties with people. I drop classes. I hermit myself in my room hoping that no one will notice all the things that are wrong with me.

Some days I wonder if I were brought up different, if life would be easier for me. If my parents had loved me and supported me the way they should have, would I be any different? Would success be easier for me? Would I have higher self-esteem and larger goals? It sure seems like that would be true. Just look at Megan, or even Brian for that matter. Their parents always supported and loved them and look at how successful they are. Knowing this just fuels my hatred towards my family even more. I wish they had taken care of all of us better than they had. No, instead they squash all of our dreams and goals and urge us to “be more responsible, more realistic”. I still can’t get over the fact that my dad actually told me to drop out of school. Fuck him, man! If I ever do end up with my bachelor’s or master’s of what have you, my parents will get absolutely zero credit for it. I will call my dad up and tell him, despite your efforts to keep me out of school, look what I did, no thanks to you.

I’m in a really angry, bitter, scared mood right night. I’m really afraid of the reactions I’m going to get (or not get) from the two letters I sent out last night. I almost wish I hadn’t sent that email to mark. The more I think about it, the more I regret it. He doesn’t NEED to know how frustrated I am… I could’ve just talked to him about it and came off a lot less bitchy and desperate. I think part of me just WANTED to push him away. I wanted all this to be over. This has been WAY too hard for me. It’s like I’m dating the unattainable, the unavailable and I keep telling my heart not to fall for him, but it doesn’t listen. I don’t want to lose him… I don’t want this whole thing to be so pressured. I just want to feel free to see where this is going to go naturally. I just want to date him, have fun with him and see where it goes. None of this stupid FL bull shit or breaking up pressure. I hate it. I really like him, but what if that’s not enough? Also, what if he’s just playing me? I mean, it’s entirely possible that the reason he’s so closed off is because he doesn’t want me to know that he never intended for this to go beyond april. I just want to know what’s real and what’s really going on with ‘us’ and him.

If I was going to be entirely honest with myself about mark I would say that I could easily see myself falling in love with him and being in a long term relationship with him and enjoying it. My only worry is that there isn’t enough there. I worry that I may get bored or not be satisfied with him because he can’t process emotions well. That may also lead to boredom because I can’t really see myself being passionately in love with him. But I don’t know. None of that is something I can tell after dating someone for only a month. It’s very possible that in time things will get better and he will open up a lot more and we will become passionately in love, but what if we don’t. But then again the other what if is what if we break up when we really had the potential for something great? We’ll never know. I feel like it would haunt me for a really long time if I just gave up like that. I’ve always told myself to not let myself regret things and so far with guys I never have. I’ve always given my all and I’ve never given up. I don’t want mark to be the first guy I have to say what if about. If things end I want to feel like there was nothing else I could’ve done to make it work. I don’t want it to end with me feeling like I purposefully pushed him away because I was scared of how strongly I felt for him. The last couple of days I have been purposefully trying to convince myself that I wouldn’t care if things ended, but I really would. I love him and I really want a relationship with him to work. I’m just scared that it can’t, it won’t or he won’t let it. I should’ve fucking sent him THIS instead of the bull shit I DID send him… I feel like a terrible person and I feel like I need to tell him that I love him and that I don’t WANT to lose him. That I acted out of fear because I’m confused and scared that we have no future at all. I just need to know what he wants and then I’ll know how to act… Fuck all this drama bull shit! It’s driving me insane! I fucking think too god damn much!

Email I sent to Mark

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 15:53:43 GMT

Mark,

I’m getting frustrated because it seems like every time I try to bring something serious up with you, you either change the subject, don’t talk or you just say a couple of things that end up confusing me more rather than clarifying things. I need to know what you want mark. We NEED to talk about things.

There are so many things lately that I’ve wanted to get answers about like what do you want from me? Do you want this to be a long term committed relationship or are you okay with things being casual and then ending in April? What do you feel for me and is it enough? About all you’ve told me about how you feel for me is that this has been fun and that you’re falling for me, but all of that has been words I’ve put in your mouth. I have no idea how strongly you feel for me or what you want from this. I need answers mark. This whole casual thing really isn’t working for me, especially considering you haven’t made it clear that that’s even what you want.

Also, another thing I’ve been curious about is that song… Were you just drunk and feeling the moment or did you mean anything in that song? I mean, you wonder why I’m so confused and frustrated? You spent that entire weekend telling me not to want to move to FL with you and then right after that you sang me a song asking “would you go with me?”

At this point, I don't even think I can talk to you about how I feel about you, let alone about anything else. Actually, for the last week or so I’ve been wanting to tell you how strongly I feel for you, but you’ve told me specifically that you don’t want me to. That “it’s not necessary” , but why isn’t it? I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want your girlfriend to tell you exactly how she feels about you. The truth is though, at this point I wouldn’t tell you, because you’d probably react badly. I cringe to think of how you would react if I told you I was in love with you (if that was the case) In my head I imagine that you would either say nothing at all or say (because you felt forced to say SOMETHING) that you were too. Either that or I can realistically imagine you saying thank you or that’s nice or something. I COULDN’T tell you, even if I wanted to.

Also, I feel like because we don't talk about how we feel about things and where this is going, it isn't real. I’ve started to doubt the seriousness of things and you’re commitment to being with me. I’ve begun to feel like I should bail. I'm seriously leaning towards giving up, Mark. I feel like falling for you was stupid fucking thing for me to do, especially considering there are very few times I can say with confidence that I know what you feel for me and what you want from this. It's just so frustrating being so confused all the time. I don't know what to do about it. I really want to sit you down and somehow force you to have a REAL conversation about everything with me. I want to weigh everything and discuss whether or not we're ready to 'settle down' in FL together or not. I just can’t handle feeling emotionally stifled by you anymore. If you really want to be with me and if you genuinely want this to work you’re gonna have to figure this shit out first. Honestly, if you can't or wont ask me to go with you, then I have absolutely no reason to do so. I've told you already that if I don't move with you then things are over with us, if you refuse to realize that or feel that then you’re going to lose me. I've also told you that I don't want to wait around to decide if we're going to be together a month from now or not. I don't want to allow myself to fall for you anymore than I already have if things are just going to end tragically in a month anyway. I’m not saying that things would have to end, right NOW if we decide that us and FL is bad idea, I just feel like it’s not fair for me not to know what you want or how this is going to turn out. Please don’t let me get any more attached if you know that you don’t want a future beyond April.

Mark, I don’t meant to come off so harsh and so bitchy, but I feel like you won’t understand how serious I am otherwise. I don’t mean to always threaten breaking up with you when things get intense either, but with the situation that we’re in the only choices we have are break up or move across the continent together. There is no in between. If things are going to continue with us I really need answers from you. With all that being said I’m pretty sure you know how I feel about things and what I want already, but if not then I’m going to make sure you know now. I want to be with you Mark. I really care about you and I enjoy spending time with you, no matter what it is we’re doing. I really don’t want this to end if it doesn’t have to, but at the same time I’m ready for it to if it has to. Bottom line is mark, I need to know what YOU want. You can take some time to think about it and we can certainly talk about it, but no matter how you look at it I need to know how you want all this to play out.

~Megan

So, Mark is the sweetest guy ever

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 12:46:39 GMT

I haven't posted anything in awhile, so I'm just going to quickly mention a couple of significant things that have happened lately. About two weeks ago I finally talked to mark about FL, that is after twisting his arm about it. He told me he doesn't want me to give up my life for him. We spent about a couple of hours with him trying to convince me not to want to go. The later that night we both got drunk and he sang this song to me:

Would You Go With Me
Josh Turner

Would you go with me if we rolled down streets of fire
Would you hold on to me tighter as the summer sun got higher
If we roll from town to town and never shut it down

Would you go with me if we were lost in fields of clover
Would we walk even closer until the trip was over
And would it be okay if I didn't know the way

If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Let me know if you're really a dream
I love you so, so would you go with me

Would you go with me if we rode the clouds together
Could you not look down forever
If you were lighter than a feather
Oh, and if I set you free, would you go with me

If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Help me tie up the ends of a dream
I gotta know, would you go with me
I love you so, so would you go with me

I don't know how much of this he actually meant, but it completely contradicts everything he said that day. Also, it says that he loves me... I'm assuming it's not true, but I don't know. This guy is so hard to read. But either way it was the sweetest thing ever. I've never had a guy sing to me, ha. That same weekend he also gave me my v-day present (finally, right?) He bought me a whole bunch of scented candles, cute. Also, everytime I go out with him he pays for me. It's really cute. He's really sweet and I care about him alot, but how come right when I start to think I'm falling in love with him does Brian come to my mind?

This entire 'thing' with mark has been difficult and confusing and frustrating. My mom decided this weekend that he can no longer spend the night. I'm SO fucking tired of living at home! But all of that is beside the point. I've been really conflicted lately. I don't have any idea what I'm doing with Mark. It's so much harder because he doesn't talk about things. This is a very difficult decision for me, but it's even more difficult because I don't feel free to talk to him about things. I don't feel like we could have an open conversation about the what ifs and the fears. Hell, I don't even think I can talk about how I feel about him. I feel like because we don't talk about it, it isn't real. I start to doubt the seriousness of things and I begin to feel like I should bail. I'm seriously leaning towards giving up. Everything is just so much easier when I'm single. Falling for Mark was a stupid fucking thing for me to do, especially considering there are very few times I can say with confidence that I know what he feels for me and what he wants from this. It's just so frustrating being so confused all the time. I don't know what to do about it. I really want to sit him down and have a REAL conversation about everything where we weigh everything and we discuss whether or not we're ready to 'settle down' in FL together or not. I'm just so tired of feeling emotionally stifled by him. If he really wants to be with me and if he genuinely wants this to work he's gonna have to figure his shit out first. Honestly, if he can't or wont ask me to go with him, then why the fuck would I? I've told him that if I don't move with him then things are over with us, if he refuses to realize that or feel that then he's going to lose me. I've also told him that I don't want to wait around to decide if we're going to be together a month from now or not. I don't want to allow myself to fall for him any more than I already have if things are just going to end tragically very soon. I need to fucking talk to my boyfriend about all this bull shit! It's too bad he's acting like he's incapable. I'm really ready to call it quits, but I'll try again to talk to him on tue and if that doesn't work I will try one more time over the weekend. If I get nothing at all we're fucking over. End of story.

I'm so tired of dating people that are incapable of committing or talking about things. I'm tired of getting hurt and I'm tired of being so fucking confused... UGH! Stupid men!

Yes, I DO know I'm stupid...

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 09:50:55 GMT

Hey Brian,

I don’t really know what to say to you anymore. I don’t even know if I know who you are anymore. I’ve been thinking about you more than usual lately. Your face and our memories are starting to fade from my mind as I’m sure they are from yours. I know that this is the easiest way, they way things should be, but I can’t help but miss you despite that.

I’m in a new relationship now and so are you. It makes me wonder what you think of it all. Was it hard for you when you first started dating? Did you have a hard time opening up to her at first? Does any of it scare you? Is it easier than it was with me? Brian I just miss your friendship. I miss our jokes, our long phone conversations and all of our hobbies. But mostly, I just miss laughing with you, knowing you.

You were my best friend and I want that back, even if it‘s not ‘best‘ friends. I want to talk to you again, but honestly I’m kinda scared of you. I have no idea how you’re going to respond to this letter and that’s what’s so scary. You told me in the last email you sent me never to contact you again, so I hope this doesn’t make you angry. I’m not at all trying to make you angry. My only intentions with this letter are to say that I’m really sorry I sent you that horrible letter and to attempt to start communication up with you again. I hope that someday we can bury the drama and the pain and become friends again. I hope you’re doing okay Brian. I miss you.

~Megan

P.S. Perhaps we can start up the casual facebook messages again?

More of my minds droning...

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:14:58 GMT

I'm so very frustrated with myself lately. I had some random ass dreams last night that really got me in bad mood today. It really got me to thinkin about some SHIT that I really didn't want to think about. So, I dreamt first that I got in a physical brawl with shauna because she was accusing me of being a drug addict while keli watched and agreed with her. Then my mom and dad accused me of stealing from my mom to buy pills. I got so mad because my mom, dad and nikki started saying that I was so much worse than Nikki ever was and Nikki started taunting me, but the whole time I knew none of it was true. It was the most helpless, frustrating feeling having people hate you for something you didn't do and not being able to convince them otherwise. I woke up feeling more angry then I've felt in a LONG time. I think I dreamt that dream because I woke up this morning to my dad (once again) bitching to my mom about me. He was saying how I haven't taken the recycles out yet (even though I told my mom to tell him I would take care of it all as soon as I woke up). He was also telling her that HE was going to make dinner tonight because he didn't want to wait for me to get up and make it. That's the second time this week I've woken up to my dad bitching about me. It's REALLY fucking beginning to piss me off especially because he never confronts me with any of it. I mean it's getting so bad that I'm having nightmares about it. Fuck, I need to get out of this place. These people severly affect my sanity... err.

Anyway, so my other dream was that somehow brian was my across the street neighbor and for some reason I drove by his house and flipped him off. Then, for the entire rest of the dream I was trying to avoid him at all cost because I was terrified that he would retaliate against me. It was a stupid weird dream. I fucking hate dreaming about him nowadays. I always wake up in an awful mood. I'm so tired of thinking about him and it's fucking dumb that my subconsious forces it on me.

I was thinking earlier today that whenever I start to fall for a guy I always linger on thoughts of the previous guy. I think I do it as a way to protect myself and put some space between me and whoever the new guy is. I'm really scared to let myself think about mark for too long for two reasons, 1) because I don't want to overthink things and in turn ruin them and 2) I don't want to lose myself or get too attached too quickly and get hurt. So, instead, whether it's good or bad I think about brian. I fucking hate that I do it though. I find myself getting all nostalgic and I start wondering if things will ever be like that with mark. It's fucking stupid. I wish I could or would stop it. I know that I do it to protect myself, but its still really dumb because this relationship so far is SO much better than my relationship with brian EVER was. I know that, but I still can't help but wonder. I think for me it feels safer to think about Brian then it is to voice my fears about mark or think about the future with mark at all. Thinking about brian is more comfortable and safer than letting myself think, wonder and worry about mark.

But anyways, I'm sick of that subject. The other day when I was hanging out with mark somehow (I can't remember how) we got on the subject of whether or not I was weak and he told me that he knows that I am. I've been thinkin about that conversation and at the time I thought it was kind of sweet, but now it kind of irritates me... I'm not THAT weak. I mean I am, but HE isn't supposed to know or notice that. I makes me sad and it make me feel very exposed that he thought it was appropriate to point that out like that. HE's right, but that's kind of harsh. The reason I still think it's kind of cute though is because he said it out of sincere worry. He told me that he thinks I should stand up for myself more than I do, which is true. It actually meant a lot that he said that and eventually led to me crying (without him knowing) because I feel like the entire time I was with brian I had to hide who I was and pretend like I was someone I wasn't. I feel like Brian NEVER accepted me and now I'm dating this awesome guy that tells me he knows I'm weak, but that he's okay with it. He not only sees, notices and pays attention to more than brian ever did, but he accepts me far more in two weeks of dating than brian did in 3 years. It was really overwhelming to realize that. Also, mark is so much more affectionate than anyone else I've ever been with. I love it. He makes me feel so at ease. I can't imagine ever being able to fight with him for more than like ten minutes because he's so calm and he tends to quickly and easily diffuse the situation. Although, that in itself kind of worries me because people like that often relinquish their own needs for their partners in order to keep the peace. I think I'll constantly worry that he is just trying to appease me or make that situation better instead of just disagreeing and letting us deal with it. I want to make sure that he is happy too. It's just really hard to know if people like that are actually happy or not... but then again it's kinda obvious when he looks into my eyes... man, after this weekend with mark I REALLY think I'm falling in love with him... I'm still not gonna say it until I'm sure and until he does, but my feelings for him are definitely strong. I think he's the cutest, sweetest thing ever and I enjoy every second I spend with him. I just sometimes worry that I'm changing him or that he doesn't want to do some of the things we do or act some of the ways we act. I keep wondering whether or not he's okay with pda's or not and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't tell me if he wasn't so it's just kinda hard. I wish i could trust that he would talk to me if there was a problem, but honestly I don't think he ever would. He's lived his entire life just letting EVERYTHING and everyone roll right off his shoulders. It's gonna take me a really long time to get him comfortable enough to tell me when something is wrong or even notice when it is... At least I think it will. Who knows, maybe he's more mature than I'm giving him credit for? I think the main thing I need to remember with Mark is that I need to be patient with him. If I can do that I think we will be just fine.

Mark never called me last night. It made me sad and made me wonder if he forgot his phone somewhere or if he was just busy or if he was plain and simply just ignoring me. Either way it made me sad. I kind of really wanted to talk to him last night. I missed him as soon as I left him sat night... I was looking forward to talking to him. Also, I probably won't have time to talk to him tonight so, it's pretty lame. It's like 3 days of not talking. It's totally lame. I wonder if hanging out with me for so long this weekend annoyed him... God, I'm so fucking insecure and paranoid...

I really want things to progress quickly with Mark becuase I hate having my future in limbo like it is right now... I feel like our relationship will either end up being super fucking rushed or it will just end... Either way it sucks. And either way I can't plan anything future wise until april... I hate that. I keep thinking how cool it would be to move to Florida with mark, but then I have to keep reminding myself NOT to let my mind wander about that. It's probably not realistic at all and It realistically probably won't happen. I just hate not knowing where my life is going to take me 3 months from now. It's driving me insane and puting my in a constant anxious, bad mood state. It's horrible. I need to learn to be more like mark. Although I don't actually believe that he hasn't thought about at least some of the things that I have. I mean he definitely keeps his composure MUCH better than I do, but that doesn't mean he hasn't ever thought about any of this shit. I honestly think he thinks about me just as much as I think about him... But maybe I'm wrong. Anyways, I'm going to stop being a paranoid spaz now and I'm going to go pay my bills!

Dealing with shit again...

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 17:20:47 GMT

So, today is Mark's birthday and I'm seriously considering breaking up with him soon. I feel like a total ass for it, but I really don't feel like I have any other options... The sex sucks and the other stuff that's there isn't enough to make up for it... I feel like such an asshole saying all this stuff, but it's all true. I don't feel the need to get serious with someone that doesn't make me happy. The relationship with mark is getting to the point where it's either get serious or get out... I'm pushing towards get out and he has no idea and I don't know how to tell him... I'm really angry with him too because last night i tried very hard to get him to open up and I was vulnerable with him and he wasn't capable of responding to me. It's gotten to the point where I'm just over it. I don't need this shit. I really, honestly don't mind being single and I'm not sure mark realizes that. He seems completely confident in this relationship and I'm almost happy that I'm going to burst his bubble because he has no right being so comfortable right now. He's not making me happy and he doesn't even pay attention enough to realize it. And this isn't just about the sex either. Everything is just so much god damn work with him. I feel like I'm squeezing raisins trying to get grape juice with him and I'm never going to get anywhere... I just don't know what to do. I'm not lying when I say that I really care about him, I'm just tired and frustrated with putting in all this work and getting no where with him. It isn't fair and it's making me really angry. I'm not capable of getting serious with someone that doesn't feel and who doesn't make me feel. It's really sad that after hanging out with mark I often feel nothing. I just feel numb... That's not good. It's like he turns me into a stone or something.

Mark talked to me tonight about some of his problems and shit and he asked me about some of mine and I told him that he doesn't need to know that stuff. I said I don't really need to talk to him about my problems and he got all sad and said, "but we're a team" It was totally cute, but I almost laughed at him... If he thinks for one second that I'm going to start relying on him and being all emotional with him he's high as a kite. He could NOT handle me and all my emotional break downs. I told him quite calmly that I have a lot of other people I talk to or I write. I said I didn't need to talk to him about shit. And then I went on to say that I wasn't about to start relying on him when he's about to leave. It really sucks because I often say things like that to him and he can't handle it. He either shuts down or changes the subject. I feel like there are all these things I want to talk to him about and all these emotions I want to get out, but I can't. He has so many god damn walls! It's fucking frustrating.

So, even if I ignore all the emotional problems mark and I have them there's still the sex problem... The man comes so damn quick and makes no effort to have sex again to make sure I cum. I feel like he doesn't give a shit whether I do or not and that makes me really angry. Even if that was the only problem it's still a really big one and a good enough reason for me to end things. What it comes down to though is how the fuck am I going to be able to talk to him about any of this bull shit? How do you tell someone that you're worried that you'll never be able to cum with them? I think I've figured out the problem with him though. Mark has no passion. He has none in the bedroom and he certainly has none outside of it. He's constantly holding back and restricting himself with anything and everything. I can't deal with that because I'm such a passionate, unrestricted person. I need a man that can match me and that will feel at least close to as deeply as I do. At this point it seems impossible to find a man like that... Err! I'm just really frustrated and I don't know what to do or how to approach this. How do I even begin to talk to mark about any of this. It also sucks because his birthday is today, so I can't possibly bring this up today. fuck. It just sucks. I was really hoping things would work out with mark and now I highly doubt that that's possible...I'm also irritated because Mark acts like he has nothing to worry about at all with me. He's completely comfortable and confident. For some reason that irritates me. It's like he's saying that no other guys would ever want me anyways so why would he have anything to worry about? If I was in his shoes I'd be terrified of losing me. If you think about it, he hasn't made me cum, ever, and he knows I'm not satisfied with the amount of emotion he shows me. Why isn't he scared? God, all this shit sucks because I'm going to have to pretend that everything is alright tonight because it's his birthday and knowing me, I won't be able to. He'll ask me what's wrong and I'll fall apart and I'll end up telling him that I'm thinking about ending things with him on his birthday. I'm a god awful person, but I don't know how else to bring things up. I really don't want to hurt him, but then again I'd rather that then allow him to continue hurting me with his inability to talk to me.

Mark,

I really didn’t want to talk about this shit on your birthday so I decided to write you a letter so that I knew I had something to fall back on if you did happen to want to talk about it. There are a lot of things that have become pent up over the last week or so with you that I feel like I need to tell you. I’m writing this letter to get everything out.

Last night you told me that you had no fears with me and that actually made me a little angry. It felt like you were saying that not only did you know you were perfect for me therefore I would never leave, but you were saying that no other guys would ever want me. It just really irritated me because this relationship is far from making me content and I feel like you should know that and therefore have SOME fears and insecurities…

So, anyway that’s not the only thing that’s been bothering me lately. I’ve noticed lately that after hanging out with you I’m numb. Completely void of emotion and I think that has a lot to do with you. You told me last night that we’re a team, but I feel like we’re FAR from being that. You wonder why I don’t rely on you, but you can’t seem to see the fact that you freeze up when emotions enter then conversation. How could I possibly rely on someone who can’t handle me being emotional? I’m sure you’re a reliable guy, Mark but I need someone who’s more than just reliable. I need someone who is capable of being on the same emotional level as I am when the situation warrants it and I’m just not sure you are…

Something I’ve noticed with you lately is that you don’t allow yourself to be passionate about very much. You are constantly keeping yourself in check and analyzing everyone and everything around you. You don’t ever allow yourself to just get lost in the moment. Not in the bedroom and certainly not otherwise and that bothers me because I feel like I’m constantly struggling with you to let go or to feel something. Not only does you being like this fuel my insecurities, but it’s also a TON of work to constantly be expected to get someone out of their shell. Mark, I’m getting to the point where I’m very ready to just throw in the towel with you. I feel like this relationship is at a crossroads where we can either get serious or get out. I’m just not sure if it would ever be worth it to try to get serious with you. I do not at all mind being single mark and you should know that. Of course I WANT things to work with you, but I just don’t really think they CAN especially with the fact that you’re leaving in a month ish. I need you to fight for this if that’s what you really want. If you can’t do that, then perhaps friends with benefits would be a better title for us?

And last but not least there is one more thing that has been bothering me. This one is the hardest one for me to tell you though because I really don’t want to hurt you… Mark, I’m really kinda frustrated with the sex… I have tried to be sympathetic to the fact that you haven’t had sex in a LONG time, but it seems like you just don’t give a fuck whether I cum or not and that hurts. You’ve never even brought the subject up with me, let alone expressed a want for me to cum too. It’s just surprising, to say the least that you’ve never even so much as asked me how to make me cum… This problem is as much about communication as it is about the sex and you need to understand that. I know that I wouldn’t be as upset about it if I felt like you were trying or even if I felt like you cared at all. I think the subject needs to be approached or nothing is going to get better. I’m not at all trying to make you feel bad and the last thing I want is for you to feel pressured to do something extreme in bed, but something needs to change even if it is just that we talk about it more.

Mark, I need you to understand that I really care about you and I feel like we have a connection that’s worth fighting for. I just need to feel like you’re willing to fight for it too. How am I expected to feel like that if you are incapable of talking to me? You are going to lose me if you can’t figure out how to express yourself to me in all aspects of this relationship. I really would like for this relationship to move forward, but I’m not satisfied with feeling nothing when I’m with you anymore… and on top of that, the constant criticism and sarcastic comments need to stop, especially when I’m trying to talk to you about something serious. I don’t mind joking with you Mark, but that’s all we do is joke. All I ever hear from you is negative, sarcastic comments and it’s really beginning to hurt. It’d be different if it was sandwiched in between some nice things or in between two serious conversations, but it’s never either. Bottom line is you need to work on being more open with me. If you can do that then I truly believe that all of these other problems will just fall away.

I really hope that you can see through this letter enough to know that this is not meant as an attack. On the contrary Mark. This is me pleading with you to let yourself be open with me. I’m pleading with you to let go, to talk to me, to tell me shit, to ask me questions. Let us be the ‘team’ that you said we were. Mark, I know you care about me, I just don’t know how much or what that means. I have no idea what you want or how far you’re realistically willing to let this go and I feel like you’re purposefully consistently pushing me away. I can’t take it anymore. If this is all you can offer me then I want out. It’s not worth it to me. I’m really sorry and I really hope this didn’t hurt you too bad…

~Megan

Lovin' Life Lately

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 13:00:48 GMT

So, some shit went down with mark today. I’ve been trying very hard lately to get Mark to open up and after this weekend I feel like I may be making some progress finally, yay! The only bad part is that the more I get him to open up to me the more I find myself falling for him. I’m positive I’m falling for him faster than he’s falling for me too, so I’m kinda trying to hide how much I really care about him from everyone, including myself. I just don’t want to scare him off nor do I want to make myself that vulnerable just yet. I decided like a week ago when I realized how fast I was falling for him that no matter if I feel it or not, I will NOT be the first one to admit the I love you thing. I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him to say it, so I’m gonna wait for him to say it first. That way I won’t ever have to wonder.

Anyways, Mark and I had a rather good weekend together where we got a lot closer and learned a lot more about each other. We did, however end up having two spats. The first one was over a kind of stupid miscommunication and the second one was also stupid, but more difficult to deal with. It seems so stupid now, but either way it started because for some reason Mark decided it would be a great idea to tell me that when he was 18 he went to a strip club and got a blow job there. That in itself didn’t really bother me, but then in my shock at the fact that he had actually done this I was stupid enough to ask him if she was hot and HE was then stupid enough to answer, “yeah, she was smoking hot!” I mean, I don’t know if I was out of line in feeling this way or not because it was so long ago, but that just doesn’t seem like something that just doesn’t seem like that’s something that should be on the top of the list of things you should tell your new girlfriend. I guess the main reason this was a big deal to me was because I never would have expected something like that from Mark. He seems so innocent to me and that was one of the reasons I felt safe with him. It’s also one of the reasons I originally fell for him. So, I was already feeling all of that bullshit and then he made it much worse by telling me she was hot… It was just kind of a lot to handle at that moment. I got really hurt and Mark in turn got really confused and defensive and he started saying how it was over 5 years ago and that it shouldn’t matter, which made things worse. So, the more he tried to explain it and make it better the more hurt I got, until I was just sitting there almost in tears, not able to look at him or talk to him while he was completely silent. After a couple of minutes of silence I decided it was a stupid to get all retarded about this and I turned toward him and I told him that I was sorry for freaking out on him. I just really didn’t expect for that to hurt like that. Then I told him that the fact that he got defensive and started acting like I wasn’t allowed to be feeling what I was feeling had really made things worse instead of better. He told me he understood and that he was sorry and then we hugged and started talking about something else. Even though it kind of sucked to go through that with him, I kind of liked it because it made me realize that not all fights have to be as horrible and ugly and awful as Brian and I always made them. I’m really starting to believe that Mark and I compliment each other very well. I’m so happy with him and I feel so calm. God it’s like night and day from being with Brian. I was a tornado with Brian and I feel like a river with Mark. I’m loving the how easy things are with him. It just feel natural.

Okay, so there is still some things that are kind of annoying about him though. First of all, he still has a very hard time having opinions or emotions around me. I mean after a couple of hours of hanging out he opens up a little, but he still has a hard time with it. Here’s an example of it: I asked him tonight if it would bother him if we could only have sex 6 times a month (because my mom told us that my dad’s has Viagra and that he can only have sex 6 times with it) and he responded with some very neutral answer. I mean, it was a stupid meaningless question that I already knew the answer to and he still had a hard time telling me his opinion on it. It’s frustrating that he does that, to say the least. It’s also frustrating because it makes it very hard for me to read him and even harder for me to know how he feels about things. I know I just need to be patient, sensitive and kind with him and in time he will open up to me, but it’s hard for me to deal with. I’m falling for this man hardcore and I want to tell him and be completely open with him, but I’m afraid of getting hurt. I did make some progress with him tonight though. After our little weird tiff thing about the blow job I apologized and said that I didn’t mean to be so emotional and react so stupidly and he asked me why I thought I had anything to be sorry for. I told him that I was just sorry for being so emotional because I know that that’s something that’s hard for him to deal with. I then went on further to say that I know that if he had things his way we wouldn’t ever talk about emotions or get upset or anything. That was a dumb thing for me to say though because then he actually got hurt and said that that wasn’t true. He told me that life is boring without some emotions here and there and he asked me why I felt that way. We talked about it for awhile and afterwards we were really close. It was great actually because then I teased the fuck out of him, he returned the favor and then I went to work. God, I freakin love every second that I spend with this man. I am enjoying myself thoroughly! J

One more thing that I realized tonight though was that after he told me about the blow job incident it really made me realize that I don’t know him as well as I’d like to think that I do. It kinda made me scared and now after my little freak out I know he’ll never tell me what other random shit he’s done. I think it would be a lot easier for me to deal with all of it if I truly felt like I knew how he felt about me, but I don’t. If something like that were to ever happen again, it could easily be over if he were just to look me in the eye and tell me that he thinks I’m beautiful and that he WANTS to be with me (if that‘s how he felt that is). Then I would have absolutely nothing to worry about. Because honestly the reason it was such a big deal is because I worry that he really isn’t that into me or that he wants someone hotter or someone just not me… I mean, I still kind of question if he’s just gonna drop me like a hot potato as soon as he leaves in April. I kinda feel like it’s still a possibility that he’s just using me for sex… I do realize it’s stupid for me to think that, but he’s never told me that he’s really glad he’s with me, or at least he’s never said it in those words in a way that made it clear to me. I’m just at the point where I really want to be open with him about how much I care about him and how happy I am to be with him. The only thing that is holding me back is uncertainty about how he feels about me. I wish he still had the internet because I think I would let him read this entry. Lately, he’s seemed kind of confused about what I’m feeling and I think this would clear things up for him.

Other than all that things are going fabulously with this boy. I’m so very happy lately. It’s fucking awesome. Also, I’m very fucking excited about spending his birthday with him. I have some things in mind that will hopefully be a lot of fun.

This Man is Driving me Insane!

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:42:02 GMT

So, what the fuck is wrong with me today? It seems like every time I hang out with or talk to Mark I get all retarded and frustrated with myself AND with him. There was something that he said today though that really, really got to me, like hit me like a ton of bricks got to me. He told me that he’s realizing that there’s a lot of things he needs to change about himself since he met. Oh man, that one hurt. It was like being with Brian all over again. The things that Brian had said to me over the years flew through my mind and it was like I couldn’t function anymore. I was completely paralyzed by the fear that I “was doing it again.” I was horrible to Brian and now I’m making Mark feel bad about himself the exact same way I made Brian feel bad about himself. I don’t want to do that, but the truth is, I don’t know how not to. I was never TRYING to point out flaws in either man. I wouldn’t do that, ever, to either of them. It isn’t about that, so why is that this is happening again. It’s got to be something to do with me. I just make men feel bad about themselves… Maybe I should just stop trying to figure Mark out. Maybe this problem wouldn’t be there at all if I just stopped trying so hard. But the thing is that I’m not sure I CAN just not feel like that or not…

I guess the truth is that I still very much blame myself for the end of my relationship with both exes. All the things that they have said to me just run through my mind whenever similar situations arise. I don’t want to fuck things up with Mark though. I don’t want to give him any reason to think I’m crazy or leave. I want to for once in my life be good at being in a relationship. God, at this point I’m totally ready to just run for the hills and never look back. I’m so tired of dealing with all this shit by myself and I’m really tired of not knowing with Mark. This relationship honestly isn’t turning out to be worth it. Maybe I really need to find a new type of guy. Honestly, I’m really frustrated with myself for letting myself fall for the same type of guy twice. If it didn’t work the first time, what made me think it would work the second time? I just can’t believe that he is THAT scared of talking about his feelings… I mean, (he isn’t aware of this) but I’m getting ready to walk out the door if he can’t tell me how he feels. I don’t know if he understands exactly what kind of fragile person he’s dealing with. If he can’t express himself in a relationship then he has no business being in one, right? Men are really weird emotionless beings. When they’re single for too long they just shut off and I hate having to open the god damn valves every fucking time I get into a relationship! It’s never like that with girls because we keep our hearts and minds open by talking to each other. Ugh! I’m just so damn frustrated because honestly I’m too fucking broken to be able to function healthily in a relationship like this. I NEED to know where we stand and he needs to know that. I’m just so angry at myself and at him because I keep allowing myself to get in situations like this. I fall for guys that make me crazy. It’s all very frustrating! I feel like with both Brian AND with Mark I have to actually get upset before they will or would actually respond with emotions… I don’t want to have to freak out to get my man to be open with me. I know these things take time, but as I said I’m too fucking broken to deal with this shit without freaking out. Every time something happens it just triggers my insecurities to the point where I can’t take it without reassurance from him and he’s too scared to offer me any. That’s not really fair, especially because he expects ME to be vulnerable with HIM, even though he can’t be with me… err! This man is driving me nuts and NOT in the good way! What is so scary about telling someone you care about them? Why can he only do it when I force him to? I really have no idea what to do at this point. Should I pretend like nothing is wrong? Should I freak out and see what happens? Should I try talking to him again even though that hasn’t worked so far? I really don’t want to have to be all ultimatum, freak-outty with him, but what choice has he given me. I’m freaking out and I’ve tried talking to him twice already…